I Think I'm Having an Identity Crisis...

In some ways today was better than yesterday; in others it was worse. I continue to think about the hats I wear and the responsibilities I juggle and really, really question the wisdom of having more (hats and responsibilities...now throw in a new pair of shoes and maybe we'll talk!) But seriously, I come back to a question I have been trying hard to answer since January.

And it relates to passion and focus, and ultimately if my actions are matching up with what I verbally commit to. And I even have been working with a life coach since January to help me un-knot myself. As a Christian I am admonished to "be anxious for nothing" but let me tell you, there has been a fair amount of anxiety swirling around in my head the last couple of days in particular.

And I think much of it revolves around the central question of what I feel I am called to do, versus what I, self-centered Kathy Pride feel like doing. And the two are at odds with each other and stressing me out a bit.

I came to the realization this morning, only confirmed by several conversations throughout the day, that adding more to my plate at this time will not be worth the income I earn. I was able to proceed through today at a relaxed pace; I still had my to do list, but if I didn't maintain a breakneck speed or accomplish all of it, I wasn't shirking responsibilities.

And if I had a job to be at, or work responsibilities to fulfill, I would not be able to have some of those conversations or be open to the life lessons they held. But the result was somewhat of an identity/performance crisis. I'll get over it with a little help from my friends (and prayer warriors).

I had a great conversation with a friend in the elementary school parking lot after I dropped off Nicole. I almost drove her to school barefoot, but something told me to put on shoes. It was a real encouragement because this other woman really shares many of my perspectives, and she is also an outspoken New Yorker. I think we both feel we have outgrown our small town at times...but a recurrent theme that came up was why some Christians are so hateful , judgmental and nasty. And of course, coming up on an election, some of the actions and conversations become really heated. This is not the way of Jesus. And it makes me so very sad. But we agreed that our family must come first. That would negate working outside the home for me at this time. Things have been going much more smoothly with Nicole; do I want to throw that all out the window for a paycheck that may allay a little bit of financial anxiety, but just create other anxieties instead? Have I totally bought into the myth of "superwoman"?

Then I got a phone call from a friend that was more like a divine appointment. Someone who has just wiped her plate totally clean to be able to live life at a more restful pace. My gut reaction was respect and envy. But hey, I can make that same choice. So I enlisted a few people to hold me accountable to stick to making decisions that uphold a value and vision of family first along with living in sync with my passion for relationships and outreach.

I emailed my life coach and called my pastor to set up a talk time tomorrow.

We only get to go round once on this earth and I want to be certain I am living out my passions, purpose and calling. Building healthy and loving relationships is one, writing is another and serving through outreach the third. When they all come together it is even better. But the distractions and temptations (of accomplishments, a paycheck, doing good work, and a zillion other things) are all real too. I guess I'm having some growing pains. Or maybe an identity crisis.

I feel in a way that God is up to something pretty big, but the stepping out in faith business is pretty scary. But then again if we knew the outcome or had all the answers it wouldn't be faith.
But I really enjoyed my day, conversations and a trip out to Lewisburg to watch Nicole cheer. If I were working I would have missed many of those things.