Communication: From Poor to Purposeful
I really was in the mood to blog last night, but two things interfered with my ability to respond to a couple of posts. Fatigue of the drool dripping out side of mouth variety (common) and an inability to come up with something to write about (uncommon). Must have been the fatigue.
Poor Howie tolerates an awful lot of me being tired all the time...before that totally turns into TMI, I will stop there. I will be happy to have my iron levels re-checked later this month to see if I am still anemic. My pathetic fatigue would indicate I must be. Lucky me, if my iron levels are still down, I get to go for a colonoscopy. But heck, I will get it done this year with lots of great snow me under drugs and an already met deductible on my health insurance.
Anyway, I get Purpose Driven Life devotionals in my email every day. Generally they are pretty good, but I have to say I liked them better when John Walker was writing them. For some reason he has moved on and has his own devotionals that he writes from his site, www.gracecreates.com. I tried to copy his to post it here (there was one particularly great line about the swine in the story of the prodigal son passing biscuits that made me laugh out loud) but no go. It must have some kind of protection on it. So you get Rick Warren instead.
Now, I have to say, I have met (if you can call it that) Rick Warren, and I was less than impressed,which really disappointed me. Like 40 million other people, I read The Purpose Driven Life (Kara, maybe you could get a copy of this for Ray?) and found it to be right on the mark in many places. He has absolutely done some great humanitarian work, so I was thrilled to learn that a Sunday I happened to be in Southern California and went to experience worship at Saddleback Church, he was preaching. I agree with a remark made by a friend and former staffer there, that Saddleback is a Disneyfied Church. It was huge and showy.
I hung around after worship and waited for what I hoped would be an opportunity to say hello. (I kind of felt like a MLB fan waiting for the players to exit the locker room) and finally my patience was rewarded...sort of. He did exit, along with a "bodyguard" who had an earpiece in, and maintained a very healthy distance. When I took a step forward, he stepped back and didn't acknowledge me until I mentioned that I was a friend of a friend. Yet he never shook my hand or really engaged in any conversation. Now I am sure he meets people who want something from him all the time, so I suppose there is a balance. But hospitality and humility were absent, and that disappointed me. I guess Hollywood, not all that far north of where we were, rubbed off. But I still appreciate his work so have copied today's devotional below, which makes some very valid points about communication. And we can all probably learn a thing or two.
Breaking Through the Sound Barrier by Rick Warren
Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. Ephesians 4:29 (NLT)
*** *** *** ***
Poor communication is the most frequently mentioned problem in marriage counseling. To really communicate, you must give up three things.
You must give up your assumptions.
We get into trouble when we start assuming we understand the meaning of what people say to us. The truth is everything you hear goes through a filter. Your filter is determined by your past experiences and your unique personality.
You may not be hearing what the other person is really saying. Therefore, it’s smart (and safe) to ask for clarification.
There are six possible messages every time you speak:
· What you mean to say and what you actually said.
· What they heard and what they think they heard.
· What they say about it and what you think they said about it.
Proverbs 18:13 (NLT) says, “What a shame, what folly, to give advice before listening to the facts!”
You must give up your accusations. You never get your point across by being cross. Anger and sarcasm only make people defensive and that kills communication.
Here are four common forms of accusation:
· Exaggerating – Making sweeping generalities like “You never” or “You always.”
· Labeling or derogatory name calling – Labeling never changes anyone. It only reinforces the negative behavior.
· Playing historian – Bringing up past failures, mistakes, and broken promises.
· Asking loaded questions which really can’t be answered, like “Can’t you do anything right?”
You must give up your apprehensions.
Fear prevents honest communication. It causes us to conceal our true feelings and fail to confront the real issues. The two most common apprehensions are the fear of failure and the fear of rejection.
But real communication can happen when you face your fear and risk being honest. Freedom is the result of openness. Jesus said, “The truth will set you free” (John 8:32 NLT).
© 2008 Purpose Driven Life. All rights reserved.
I think they are also valid illustrations of why we don't share (witness) and if we do where we get it wrong. How many people do you think actually will be open to hearing more about God from a bunch of angry picketers? From judgmental and sarcastic messengers? From those who shove their views in other's faces like wedding cake at an out of control wedding reception? Maybe starting with a conversation about discovering your life's purpose is a great place to start, along with no matter how many times you screw it up, God is still there, loving you.
I love this excerpt from The Purpose Driven Life (p. 247). "The very experiences that you have resented or regretted most in life-the ones you've wanted to hide and forget-are the experiences God want to use to help others. They are your ministry! (BUT) For God to use your painful experiences, you must be willing to share them."
Go share and be an encourager.
Poor Howie tolerates an awful lot of me being tired all the time...before that totally turns into TMI, I will stop there. I will be happy to have my iron levels re-checked later this month to see if I am still anemic. My pathetic fatigue would indicate I must be. Lucky me, if my iron levels are still down, I get to go for a colonoscopy. But heck, I will get it done this year with lots of great snow me under drugs and an already met deductible on my health insurance.
Anyway, I get Purpose Driven Life devotionals in my email every day. Generally they are pretty good, but I have to say I liked them better when John Walker was writing them. For some reason he has moved on and has his own devotionals that he writes from his site, www.gracecreates.com. I tried to copy his to post it here (there was one particularly great line about the swine in the story of the prodigal son passing biscuits that made me laugh out loud) but no go. It must have some kind of protection on it. So you get Rick Warren instead.
Now, I have to say, I have met (if you can call it that) Rick Warren, and I was less than impressed,which really disappointed me. Like 40 million other people, I read The Purpose Driven Life (Kara, maybe you could get a copy of this for Ray?) and found it to be right on the mark in many places. He has absolutely done some great humanitarian work, so I was thrilled to learn that a Sunday I happened to be in Southern California and went to experience worship at Saddleback Church, he was preaching. I agree with a remark made by a friend and former staffer there, that Saddleback is a Disneyfied Church. It was huge and showy.
I hung around after worship and waited for what I hoped would be an opportunity to say hello. (I kind of felt like a MLB fan waiting for the players to exit the locker room) and finally my patience was rewarded...sort of. He did exit, along with a "bodyguard" who had an earpiece in, and maintained a very healthy distance. When I took a step forward, he stepped back and didn't acknowledge me until I mentioned that I was a friend of a friend. Yet he never shook my hand or really engaged in any conversation. Now I am sure he meets people who want something from him all the time, so I suppose there is a balance. But hospitality and humility were absent, and that disappointed me. I guess Hollywood, not all that far north of where we were, rubbed off. But I still appreciate his work so have copied today's devotional below, which makes some very valid points about communication. And we can all probably learn a thing or two.
Breaking Through the Sound Barrier by Rick Warren
Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. Ephesians 4:29 (NLT)
*** *** *** ***
Poor communication is the most frequently mentioned problem in marriage counseling. To really communicate, you must give up three things.
You must give up your assumptions.
We get into trouble when we start assuming we understand the meaning of what people say to us. The truth is everything you hear goes through a filter. Your filter is determined by your past experiences and your unique personality.
You may not be hearing what the other person is really saying. Therefore, it’s smart (and safe) to ask for clarification.
There are six possible messages every time you speak:
· What you mean to say and what you actually said.
· What they heard and what they think they heard.
· What they say about it and what you think they said about it.
Proverbs 18:13 (NLT) says, “What a shame, what folly, to give advice before listening to the facts!”
You must give up your accusations. You never get your point across by being cross. Anger and sarcasm only make people defensive and that kills communication.
Here are four common forms of accusation:
· Exaggerating – Making sweeping generalities like “You never” or “You always.”
· Labeling or derogatory name calling – Labeling never changes anyone. It only reinforces the negative behavior.
· Playing historian – Bringing up past failures, mistakes, and broken promises.
· Asking loaded questions which really can’t be answered, like “Can’t you do anything right?”
You must give up your apprehensions.
Fear prevents honest communication. It causes us to conceal our true feelings and fail to confront the real issues. The two most common apprehensions are the fear of failure and the fear of rejection.
But real communication can happen when you face your fear and risk being honest. Freedom is the result of openness. Jesus said, “The truth will set you free” (John 8:32 NLT).
© 2008 Purpose Driven Life. All rights reserved.
I think they are also valid illustrations of why we don't share (witness) and if we do where we get it wrong. How many people do you think actually will be open to hearing more about God from a bunch of angry picketers? From judgmental and sarcastic messengers? From those who shove their views in other's faces like wedding cake at an out of control wedding reception? Maybe starting with a conversation about discovering your life's purpose is a great place to start, along with no matter how many times you screw it up, God is still there, loving you.
I love this excerpt from The Purpose Driven Life (p. 247). "The very experiences that you have resented or regretted most in life-the ones you've wanted to hide and forget-are the experiences God want to use to help others. They are your ministry! (BUT) For God to use your painful experiences, you must be willing to share them."
Go share and be an encourager.
Labels: communication, Living life with purpose, Purpose Driven Life, Rick Warren
posted by www.kathypride.com at
6:59 AM
9 Comments:
In the interest of bringing the "witness" discussion forward...
Have you read C S Lewis, "The Great Divorce"? I'm pretty sure it would still be controversial in Christian circles today (at least those who preach about "hell"). The premise, basically is that "hell" is place devoid of God. Basically it is a crack in the sidewalk of heaven--I need to read it again before I try to describe it. I won't do it justice. But it is a short little book.
In the Narnia chronicles, "The Last Battle" there is a scene at the end regarding deception. Aslan has returned and all creatures are rushing "further up and further in" save those who are living in fear inside a tent, who are hearing all the cheering going on outside and are convinced that it is a deception designed to get them out, and they will be killed if they leave the tent.
"Lost" to me, is living in that deception. Living in a crack of a sidewalk in Heaven and being unable, because of deception, to enjoy heaven itself! (and C S Lewis does make the point that it's nearly impossible to redeem someone from there because the deception is so complete. -- which is all the more reason we need to help people find God HERE, where the deception is less complete.).
I love C.S Lewis, and haven't read The Great Divorce. Add another to the list. But I love the concept of a crack in heaven's sidewalk.
My issue is in how we represent God, help others to view Him differently than their perception without turning people off or away. I was introduced to God in my early 20's by my husband's family who are Christadelphians. My feelings about the God I met through them was "with friends like that, who needs enemies."
I think "religion" can work against God's purposes, but it has it's place, perhaps, at times-at least aspects of it.
That's where I think "getting God's heart" comes in. If we make HIS purposes OUR purposes, we can seldom go wrong--except in the delivery, perhaps. On the other hand, just living your life knowing God might not be enough--okay, let me backstep. What I mean is, just living "me and God" won't be enough. We DO have to reach out in physical ways to show God's heart to our neighbors, with actions (words if necessary).
I think that's where MY biggest struggle is. "Me and God" are fine. It's "me and everyone else" where I have the problem. It's hard to love people, at least for me. It's hard to be patient, it's hard to let God work--our pastor is always saysing, "God is old and slow", and thankfully so, most of the time. I, however, want to see results, today, tomorrow maybe, but I don't want to wait 20 years!!
And I suspect I am not alone. Twenty years ago I left our old church and came to a new one, and my mom visited but was never comfortable because there were drug addicts and alcholics and all kinds of unsavory sorts. (well, yeah, it's the sick who need the physician, right?) Obviously, her concept of "church" was a place where you dress up and act nice and only "good" people go. Well, that's why I left, because they (some of them anyeay) made it clear that I was not one of the good ones (being a young single mom).
As to not turning people away--Jesus said that if the world hates us, not to fear, it hated him first. We can't be afraid to be disliked or turned away because of loving him. For sure we need to be careful that people are not turning away from God because of us!! But we also cannot compromise just so that will not offend them.
It's all a balancing act--religion versus relationship; standing up versus bending some; clean, safe church versus working in the gutters; works versus faith; legalism versus grace.... And I think that throughout our growth in Christ, we are always going to be a little bit on one side or the other, because it's really hard to balance things perfectly all the time. And for sure, if we are not active in our relationship with God, we will be way out of balance.
(note: I use God and Christ interchangeably because to me they are indivisible)
Okay, Kathy, as per your request, here is the passage I read to you today.
"Jews have never believed themselves possessed of the only "true" faith or exclusive pathway to God, which is why Judaism was never a missionary religion. Since the rabbis taught that all the righteous among the nations could attain "the world to come," there was no need to save the souls of non-Jews; their own religions gave them access to the Holy One and to salvation."
(p. 24 of "Choosing A Jewish Life, A Handbook for People Converting to Judaism and for Their Family and Friends" by Anita Diamant, 1997)
This sums up succinctly my problem with Christianity that I don't have with Judaism (or Hinduism, for that matter -- another faith that is able to incorporate all other faiths and doesn't ask a follower to choose only one path).
It has always been very difficult for me to accept the claim made by some Evangelical Christians (some sects being a very small percentage of the world's population) that their way is the only path to Enlightenment and Salvation. So the majority of the world following ancient Eastern religions are "wrong," "lost" or "going to hell?"
Another book to add to your list (besides the one sited above) is Barbara Kingsolver's "The Poisonwood Bible." It's a perfect example (although fictional) of what's wrong with missionaries. And yet another book I enjoyed and would recommend is Peter Matthiessen's "At Play in the Fields of the Lord." (1965)
My arm is killing me so I'm going to go for now.
Love,
Katy
I wish I believed that there were many paths to God, but we have recorded in the Bible Jesus' own words, "I am the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the father except through me."
So, as a Christian, how do you reconcile Jesus' words with the concept that there are many paths to God?
I would like to hear your thinking on this...
I'm not sure I would agree with that author's take on the Jews' reason for not proseletizing. What part of Jewish history was he/she referring to?
I don't much of Jewish history other than what is given in the Bible and what I have read of the 20th century. But "my" take on why they didn't actively convert was because they felt they were God's chosen people. God had made Abraham a promise, and as his offspring, they were to receive the benefit of that promise. They were never interested in bringing people into a relationship with God (I think often they barely had a relationship themselves at times--which truthfully can be said of all of us, actually).
But I think the failure of communication was in the meaning of the word "chosen". I think their interpretation was "favored", like a firstborn son, neener neener neener. God likes us best.
But I think God's interpretation was "selected to carry out my purpose" I think God's purpose all along was to bring salvation to all of mankind through the Jews; which he ultimately did in Jesus. But even before that time, I think it was God's intent to bring people to him by blessing the Jews. "Look what a prosperous people they are. What are they doing that we are not? How can we be like them?" God intended to bring people into relationship with himself through the Jews. But this didn't work out too well.
Even when Jesus came though, they were looking for a political messiah, not one for the whole world. In the same way my mom didn't like the "unsavory" people at my new church, many of the Jews of Jesus' time didn't like him hanging out with the "dregs" of society.
Bottom line, I think the Jews didn't proseletize extensively because they didn't have God's heart. (but I am not a historian, and this is only my opinion)
It's interesting that just that concept of the chosen-ness of the Jews came up in my conversation with Katy. If they were indeed chosen, then they wouldn't need to be missionaries. But what if being missionaries was just really about sharing God's love, then why wouldn't we all want to be representatives/missionaries in that way?
As for one path/many paths to God. I must have mentioned this in one of my other comments somewhere because I cited the difficulty of reconciling that very Scripture; that those who come to the father do so through Christ. I wish there were many ways also. But do I honestly believe that those who haven't heard Jesus' message won't enjoy eternal life? How do other cultures get to know Jesus? Is it only through the Western tradition? Are there other experiences of Christ as mediator between humanity and God that exist in other religions? If God is so big, and such a mystery can we really apply human definitions? What I do know is it is not for me to judge. It is for me to reach out as the hands and feet of Christ and offer my snippet of understanding, compassion and prayer and point others to explore their relationship with God through reading the Bible, asking questions, seeking answers and being open to conversation in many different arenas.
When I was in theology, in college, I asked my professor, "What if there were a person who somehow managed to make it through life without sinning, but did not know Christ, would he go to hell?"
His answer was something along the lines of "If he were perfect, he would know Christ."
"No, you misunderstand. If he lived perfectly, but did NOT know Christ?"
"if he were perfect, he WOULD know Christ." Knowing Christ is part of the definition of being perfect, of living perfectly.
I believe that those who have not met Christ during life, will meet him after life. Those who TRULY know God (via whatever means, religion or sincerity...or whatever) will recognize Christ at once and accept his death for forgiveness of their sins.
I also believe that if someone (Muslim, Buddhist, whatever) still here, TRULY knows God, then when Christ is presented to him he will recognize Him and accept Him.
The Bible says, in Hebrews 1:3, "The Son is the radiance of God's glory and the exact representation of his being..."
In John 10, Jesus talks about himself as the shepherd and his sheep recognizing his voice.
So, my answer to "other paths" is, Yes, men may come to God by many paths, but all of those paths lead to God through Christ. Any path that does not go through Christ, does not truly lead to God.
You mentioned your in-laws being "Christadelphians" (or something like that), which I had never heard of, and in my brief research it appeared that they were based more on intellectual understanding than faith or works.
I remember being an on-fire teenager and thinking, "If only I could PROVE that God existed, no one would have any excuse for not believing!" But then I came across a scripture somewhere in Conrinthians that says something like, God's foolishness is wiser than man's wisdome and God's weakness is stronger than man's power.
Over the course of the years, I have comt to realize that even I, smart as I am (HAH!!--which I have also come to realize over the years is not as smart as I thought I was when I was a teenager!) cannot hope to understand all of the ways of God. There will always be questions I can't answer, like the ones posed above by Kathy. And I have come to realize that it's about my relationship with God and my obedience to Him, more than about my understanding. When we ask our son to do something, his first response is always, "Why?". The ultimate answer is "because I said so". He needs to be trained to respond instantly to our commands--It would be dangerous for him to be standing in the middle of the street and us to be yelling "Move!" and him to say "Why?" and wait for an explanation before obeying! It's okay to ask why, we may or may not explain, but obey first. We need to do that with God too. There will be times when we don't get an answer to "why?". And that's okay.
And the obedience thing is not a pass/fail test. As long as we are in a relationship with God, it is pass/pass. It's just that if we choose to obey, we bring his Kingdom into the presence of our lives and those around us, and if we do not obey, we might even damage what has already been established.
The things we ask our son to do are not frivolous things or wicked things. It benefits HIM more than us to obey because it makes our lives function more smoothly. If he does not do something I ask him to do, then I have to do it, which leaves me less time to spend wtih him doing fun things. Or perhaps I am trying to instill in him healthy habits, so that his obedience simply makes his life go better. We certainly don't cut off our relationship with him or love him any less because he chooses to disobey.
That's how obedience is with God too. The things He asks of us benefit us and those around us, even though we may not understand how or why at the time (or ever). But advancing the Kingdom is what it's all about.
And, just to put the election flavor on this (ugh) I would rather live in the Kingdom of God than the Kingdom of the Democrats or the Kingdom of the Republicans or the Kingdom of America.
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