Clinging to the Edge
I really am trying to live my life without falling off the edge. Yesterday, I saw the perfect picture on the Internet to go with my blog. It was a van hanging over a cliff out in Colorado somewhere, really teetering. (Apparently a failed suicide attempt, the car didn't careen into the canyon). That was scary.
But for those of you praying for me, hugging me in person and sending cyber hugs it has all been felt.
My mom first. Tomorrow we go to the neuropsychologist to get some kind of feedback from our visit Friday. I know a friend of mine recently went through evaluations with the same doctor with her mom, and said it took awhile to get results, so I am reading between the lines about what it means that they might have results for us from Friday's appointment already. But in all fairness they know my mom plans to go back to NYC Wednesday, so it may be just the medical system actually being sensitive for a change, for which I am thankful.
I did talk to my dad, and he is no way, no how ready to contemplate leaving NYC. This could and probably will get a lot worse before it gets better. Please continue praying.
And Matt. He went back to Ithaca today to finish his internship. We finally broke our silence...not a mean spirited silence, just a necessary silence I think on Thursday. I wrote him a letter, as did Carolyn. We gave him a lot to think about and evaluate. And then we shared. He spoke, I listened and spoke when invited to.
He seems to have taken several steps in a positive direction. He has shared honestly, as have I. He has absolutely been depressed, and that is so difficult to be around, especially understanding it is an organic disorder just like hypertension that can be ameliorated with medication, which he finally started to take because he chose to. I want to protect the trust we are building with each other and simply say that he has done a great deal of introspecting, sharing, crying and deciding to help himself. We (Howie and I) are fully committed to helping him help himself.
So, if you would add an extra layer of prayer to my sandwich, that would be just wonderful.
I have remained steadfast in a strength that has not been my own. I know it comes from a higher power, one I call God. May God be there for you in your valleys or layers of your sandwich as well.
I hope tomorrow's news doesn't push me over the edge...
But for those of you praying for me, hugging me in person and sending cyber hugs it has all been felt.
My mom first. Tomorrow we go to the neuropsychologist to get some kind of feedback from our visit Friday. I know a friend of mine recently went through evaluations with the same doctor with her mom, and said it took awhile to get results, so I am reading between the lines about what it means that they might have results for us from Friday's appointment already. But in all fairness they know my mom plans to go back to NYC Wednesday, so it may be just the medical system actually being sensitive for a change, for which I am thankful.
I did talk to my dad, and he is no way, no how ready to contemplate leaving NYC. This could and probably will get a lot worse before it gets better. Please continue praying.
And Matt. He went back to Ithaca today to finish his internship. We finally broke our silence...not a mean spirited silence, just a necessary silence I think on Thursday. I wrote him a letter, as did Carolyn. We gave him a lot to think about and evaluate. And then we shared. He spoke, I listened and spoke when invited to.
He seems to have taken several steps in a positive direction. He has shared honestly, as have I. He has absolutely been depressed, and that is so difficult to be around, especially understanding it is an organic disorder just like hypertension that can be ameliorated with medication, which he finally started to take because he chose to. I want to protect the trust we are building with each other and simply say that he has done a great deal of introspecting, sharing, crying and deciding to help himself. We (Howie and I) are fully committed to helping him help himself.
So, if you would add an extra layer of prayer to my sandwich, that would be just wonderful.
I have remained steadfast in a strength that has not been my own. I know it comes from a higher power, one I call God. May God be there for you in your valleys or layers of your sandwich as well.
I hope tomorrow's news doesn't push me over the edge...
Labels: dementia. sandwich generation, depresession, mothers and sons
posted by www.kathypride.com at
9:59 PM
7 Comments:
[[[[[[HUGS!]]]]]]]
It is white, gooey marshmallow creme stuff, that probably doesn't actually say fluffer nutter on the jar, but fluff, or some such. It is very, sticky. I'm sure you know what it is and are just calling it by it's proper name!
It is white, gooey marshmallow creme stuff, that probably doesn't actually say fluffer nutter on the jar, but fluff, or some such. It is very, sticky. I'm sure you know what it is and are just calling it by it's proper name!
How could Matt not be in our hearts? We will continue to pray a hedge of protection around him so that the decisions he makes to hear the still small voice will not be overpowered by other forces.
As I look back over my life, I know that I was suffering depression for years after my daughter was born, and have been feeling myself slipping back there this winter (my brother's bday is today and my grandma's is Tuesday). Waves of tears just roll over me unexpectedly lately and I have to work really hard to just get ordinary stuff done. I just want to curl up the tub with a good logic book....Now you know!
But I was able to overcome depression years ago without medication; and hopefully the fog will lift around here soon too. (Phil 4:8--see my blog). But knowing when you need more help than you can muster on your own is a huge step. We're all pulling for you, Matt, no matter what the struggle. You have a lot of "moms" in cyberspace!!
Aahh...but there are stories everywhere...everywhere...I don't know how it got so everywhere. I was so dismayed at the sticky mess I didn't even ask!
Depression: ah, I could write a book. Since my teen years, I have battled the beast. My medical diagnosis is chronic chemical depression. I have tried many meds, some with success. Unfortunately, almost all meds (not just anti-depressants) can have the side effect of headaches, which many of my meds have given me. So I am now on a low dose of Prozac, for my headaches (!) but the side effect here is that it's an anti-depressant. I love the circularity of that. Anyway, I have also discovered that exercise and sunshine actually helps depression symptoms a great deal.
So, right now, and even since all my cancer business, I am doing well without much medical assistance, at least drug wise.
But I do know that if I needed meds, I will take them. They put a floor under me.
Many cyber hugs for you and Matt and Caroline.
Love ya lots!
depression...i have been battling that beast since my teens also. it runs in my family, and i, being a nurse, want to use medincine when appropriate. after 3 major episodes, they reccomended lifetime dosing of an anti-depressant. we worked until we found one that allows me to feel like "me", but works. i will be praying extra for you all, and of course i send my very warmest cyber-hugs, in a package of pink, sparkly wrapping that smells like freshly brewed coffee, and chocolate! ;) throw a couple of prayers my way, i am feeling low, and sometimes this time of year i get the additional SAD depression on top of things. i find myself creeping back to bed, feeling blah.
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