Marriage Matters
As in when one is married it is important. It is a relationship that requires care. Auto piloting marriage simply doesn't work; that becomes more like a relationship of convenience. My dad told me about an article he read (I think he said in The NY Times) that commented on the fact that this convenience phenomenon had actually gone one step further in these economically difficult times, and that couples who would otherwise be calling it quits can't/don't because they can't afford to live separately.
But how many married couples are together but in reality living like room ates, separately going about their routines, daily duties and lack connection and intimacy. By the way, intimacy is not synonymous with sex, as any Desperate Housewife will tell you. But both partners are lonely, hurting and ultimately end up bitter, resentful and alone even though they are together. Oh, and misunderstood. Trust me. But here's the great news, it doesn't need to be that way; it wasn't always if it is now, right?
Marriage requires attention, I suspect like growing a beautiful rosebush, but I don't really know, because I'm not a gardener, but have heard that rosebushes are hard to grow. They require pruning, just the right amount of light, right amount of moisture, etc. etc. And they are particularly susceptible to some nasty bugs. But then again chemicals aren't great either.
There are similarly many things that can assault a marriage if done too much or not enough.
Which is why I have said "yes" to another leadership initiative when I am really supposed to be saying "no" to new commitments. But this was one of those things that was just so compelling, and anyway, I will have help, I am not doing this alone.
There has been some talk and planning in our Ministry Team at church about events specifically designed for couples to prune and grow their marriages; and lots of interest, help and support, but no one at the helm. Despite a couple of severe frowns from others that clearly communicated a "no don't do it" message, I said "yes" and took this on (again with help).
Because I believe in and value relationships, starting out right in my family. I want a marriage with better communication, more intimacy and lots of joy. Don't you? So rather than give up is that is where you're at, take that first step towards making it happen.
But how many married couples are together but in reality living like room ates, separately going about their routines, daily duties and lack connection and intimacy. By the way, intimacy is not synonymous with sex, as any Desperate Housewife will tell you. But both partners are lonely, hurting and ultimately end up bitter, resentful and alone even though they are together. Oh, and misunderstood. Trust me. But here's the great news, it doesn't need to be that way; it wasn't always if it is now, right?
Marriage requires attention, I suspect like growing a beautiful rosebush, but I don't really know, because I'm not a gardener, but have heard that rosebushes are hard to grow. They require pruning, just the right amount of light, right amount of moisture, etc. etc. And they are particularly susceptible to some nasty bugs. But then again chemicals aren't great either.
There are similarly many things that can assault a marriage if done too much or not enough.
Which is why I have said "yes" to another leadership initiative when I am really supposed to be saying "no" to new commitments. But this was one of those things that was just so compelling, and anyway, I will have help, I am not doing this alone.
There has been some talk and planning in our Ministry Team at church about events specifically designed for couples to prune and grow their marriages; and lots of interest, help and support, but no one at the helm. Despite a couple of severe frowns from others that clearly communicated a "no don't do it" message, I said "yes" and took this on (again with help).
Because I believe in and value relationships, starting out right in my family. I want a marriage with better communication, more intimacy and lots of joy. Don't you? So rather than give up is that is where you're at, take that first step towards making it happen.
Labels: communication, Marriage Matters, Ministry to Marriage, Relationships and marriage
posted by www.kathypride.com at
11:26 PM
6 Comments:
Having been married for 33 years, I realize now more than ever it takes "work." Things get thrown our way and if we don't deal with them, they add up over time, and eventually cause the "disconnect" in marriage.
Work means addressing the issues as they come up (albeit very difficult at times), but it's much better to nip it in the bud that to let it fester into something huge.
I married my guy for life--not "lunch."
Great post, my friend!
twenty years and counting, and frankly, we are either on dangerous ground or we are unique, but I don't see that it takes much work...but then I think dh and I are both tolerant and supportive people....at least, HE is. :)
Jodie,that's wonderful that it is so smooth for you guys. I believe that the culprit in our situation is business, which is why I am so set on choosing what I involve myself in now so carefully. I am also being more intentional about just being with Howie and doing more things together. But there are some things that just need to get done, and often it feels like I am alone in doing them and that is what makes me edgy. We have been married 27 years, but I would love to experience more fun with him.
I am very sad about the state of my own marriage. I again tried talking to Jeff last night and told him I was lonely and needed romance (I didn't necessarily mean sex, although I would never say no). He said he was 'lost' and trying to find his way. He also said he felt very connected to me, which I thought was strange, as I feel almost completely disconnected from him.
In about our 3rd year of marriage, my husband got transferred to a town about 3 hours south of here. It was the hardest thing I had ever done, moving away from my family and friends. But it was probably the best thing that ever happened to our marriage. He was supposed to set up an office in Medford, but we couldn't find a place to live there that we liked and could afford, so we settled a little north of there, in Grants Pass, and he worked from home, made an office in the attic.
Our daughter was 6/7 then and we homeschooled and gardened and cooked and canned and just enjoyed all the time we had together. We decided, that our big goal in life would be to set things up someday, so that he could work from home and we could all be together.
A year later, it worked out that he got transferred back up here. We moved to land we had purchased in our second year of marriage, recnnected with friends and family--but not in such a dependent way on my part--and have lived here ever since. Within a couple of years of him slaving for that company he got injured and then fired because he could not physically do the work, and we have been through the wringer financially, but we are still here, nearly debt-free, and working from home. Our daughter lives a mile down the road and we are expecting our first grandchild next summer. It's my parents who moved away, eventually!!
I think that one of the secrets is that we don't really rely on each other for stuff, but more go to God for emotional needs. I'm sure my dh would like more romance from me--it's always a balancing act. He has always been supportive of my adventures, and I of his... But I think mostly we are just really good friends and each other's biggest fans. Neither of us is perfect and life is far from easy, but we are in it together.
I think moving away for a year really strengthened us. I think working and living together really helps too. It's easy to grow apart when you are apart most of the day. But I like my dh. He is a good friend and he forgives me when I get frustrated with him. I like doing things with him--but I back off a lot (more than he knows!)
Hi Katy,
I thought about you a lot when writing this and also since. I will surface...to feel disconnected and lonely inside a relationship that should be vibrant with joy and secure in intimacy is very sad. I have had those times...just know that my heart is with you, and we will talk soon.
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