Monkey in the Middle
I am officially about to become the monkey in the middle. Of my parents.
What kind of monkey should I become? A big old gorilla that just sits and scratches? Or perhaps a chimpanzee that flies all around, swinging from branch to branch, or one of those really cute spider monkeys that just perches aloft a high branch and surveys? How do you think any of those would look with a pink crown? I swear, someone is going to commit me...
My mom needs to be near medical care. My dad refuses to leave NYC. My mom is bored in NYC (go figure...) and my dad has gotten out of his slump to decide that he wants and needs to spend what is likely the last ten years of his life painting, something my mom has never quite appreciated or affirmed. Each one is saying things about the other like a bunch of cranky sixth grade girls...oy vey.
I am getting it from both sides, and not liking any of it much. Just much more affirmation that getting totally connected with Howie is the highest priority for me, him, our future and our family.
So tonight I drive right into the eye of the storm. To escape the literal eye of the storm coming my way, (lots of snow and yuck) I am driving to NYC tonight to attend a black tie affair with my dad tomorrow night. I am taking Nicole and we are going to meet Carolyn in the city and have some fun prior to the shindig. Maybe they can hash out a little. Who knows. I imagine what is probably going to happen is my mom will limp along, he will complain about wanting to paint and not remind her of what she just forgot, and something bad will happen to one of them and I will need to manage it from three hours away. I told my mom that if she wanted to stay in the city (that she only likes if she isn't there) is line up her medical care there; she needs to have care there. She says no way. Her care is here. So I told her she needs to be closer then. She says no way. (Yes, there is a pattern). And I have a feeling my dad would say, by all means take her, I will stay her and paint, she thinks my art is an ego trip anyway. She says no way, he can't function without her.
I need my magic wand. Welcome to my sandwich.
What kind of monkey should I become? A big old gorilla that just sits and scratches? Or perhaps a chimpanzee that flies all around, swinging from branch to branch, or one of those really cute spider monkeys that just perches aloft a high branch and surveys? How do you think any of those would look with a pink crown? I swear, someone is going to commit me...
My mom needs to be near medical care. My dad refuses to leave NYC. My mom is bored in NYC (go figure...) and my dad has gotten out of his slump to decide that he wants and needs to spend what is likely the last ten years of his life painting, something my mom has never quite appreciated or affirmed. Each one is saying things about the other like a bunch of cranky sixth grade girls...oy vey.
I am getting it from both sides, and not liking any of it much. Just much more affirmation that getting totally connected with Howie is the highest priority for me, him, our future and our family.
So tonight I drive right into the eye of the storm. To escape the literal eye of the storm coming my way, (lots of snow and yuck) I am driving to NYC tonight to attend a black tie affair with my dad tomorrow night. I am taking Nicole and we are going to meet Carolyn in the city and have some fun prior to the shindig. Maybe they can hash out a little. Who knows. I imagine what is probably going to happen is my mom will limp along, he will complain about wanting to paint and not remind her of what she just forgot, and something bad will happen to one of them and I will need to manage it from three hours away. I told my mom that if she wanted to stay in the city (that she only likes if she isn't there) is line up her medical care there; she needs to have care there. She says no way. Her care is here. So I told her she needs to be closer then. She says no way. (Yes, there is a pattern). And I have a feeling my dad would say, by all means take her, I will stay her and paint, she thinks my art is an ego trip anyway. She says no way, he can't function without her.
I need my magic wand. Welcome to my sandwich.
Labels: aging parents, monkey in the middle, sansdwich generation
posted by www.kathypride.com at
5:08 PM
2 Comments:
Geez and I thought I had problems, deciding whether to cancel going to West Virginia in an ice storm/snow storm?!?! I need to contact the meeting planner tomorrow (I will make my decision then).
NYC, black tie event, and parents...sounds like fun!
I so get what you mean about not wanting to turn into your parents when you are an older couple. My mother said, when I asked her why she didn't just divorce my dad instead of being so unhappy and complaining all the time, "We deserve each other." I finally realized she LIKES complaining. Now that he's gone, she sure does miss him. But I don't want to end up like my parents - constantly bickering and complaining.
Another learned lesson is that BOTH of you should have friends. My parents' friends were primarily my dad's -- he did all the work of maintaining friendships. Now my mom is realizing it and is lonely. I know that is no problem for you, Kathy!
I also learned a lesson from my mother a few years ago: as you may remember, my father-in-law is a well-respected doctor in NYC (at Beth Israel, where Josh and Ben were born). When my mother was told she had two abdominal anyurisms (sp?), my FIL found that the best doctor to take care of her was a mere 4 hours away in Albany. Her local doc, however, had recommended someone in Syracuse (2 1/2 hours away). Guess who she went with? The best in the country? No, some unknown who was just a little closer. So I finally stopped trying to figure out her motives when she so clearly was making medical decisions based on less important matters. I let her live with her choices, which ended up being good enough, since she survived the surgery.
Maybe you can put it to your mom just like you do Nicole -- it's her choice and the consequences of this decision will be.... and the consequences of that decision will be........
In other words, step away for a minute. Take a breath and let her see things (even in her imperfect mental state) in both directions. And be prepared to live with what you view as the less-good choice.
Good luck and lots of hugs.
Katy
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