Relationships
Back to relationships. Yesterday was a day of relationship growth, through honesty, silence, and carefully chosen words.
Historically, I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut.
We have had a great set of messages at church from the book of James and it is just full of great advice. The Message translation says, "It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on reputation, sent he whole world up in smoke, and go up in smoke with it." (James 3) Oh my!
So, not wanting to start any infernos and go up in smoke, I am keeping my mouth shut, and when I do open it, trying not to have an edge. Since I can't do this alone, I have enlisted help from a variety of sources, because relationships matter.
Some thoughts.
Historically, I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut.
We have had a great set of messages at church from the book of James and it is just full of great advice. The Message translation says, "It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on reputation, sent he whole world up in smoke, and go up in smoke with it." (James 3) Oh my!
So, not wanting to start any infernos and go up in smoke, I am keeping my mouth shut, and when I do open it, trying not to have an edge. Since I can't do this alone, I have enlisted help from a variety of sources, because relationships matter.
Some thoughts.
- Never shame, blame or criticize. You may want to, but don't.
- Silence is often the better option, especially when tempted to react (not respond) with shame, blame or criticism.
- Consider the other's perception of how you communicate with them. Howie seems to always hear an edge in my voice, and I could be whispering and Nicole would still think I was yelling.
- Consider it a learning opportunity when you have to repeat yourself. I am needing to do that a lot with my mom (repeat myself) and that edge could come back in a hurry...
So how did I practice these things?
- My mom will just never be able to use the Direct TV remote. It involves too many steps.
- I didn't say a negative word when Matt and I finally had three minutes together and he shared that he couldn't find his phone, passport or driver's license. No ID. My only comment was, "well, make sure you don't get stopped when you're driving" while inside my thoughts were more along the lines of, "well, drinking too much might have something to do with it, but, oh well, without an ID, there won't be any of that. What a shame." I kept my mouth shut. It is too easy for my humor to turn rancid and become sarcasm.
- Margin helps. Especially with Nicole.
- And with Howie, just really understanding that we see our worlds completely differently. He is red, I am yellow, and together we make orange.
Peace to you this day. Despite trials, I remain filled with the peace of One who is stronger than me.
Labels: choosing words carefully, communication, James 3, Relationship growth
posted by www.kathypride.com at
6:13 AM
4 Comments:
Ah, the edge in the voice...When we were first married, this was one thing that drove my dh batty. Finally, we decided on a silent signal so that he could tell me to tone it down without communicating that to anyone else, thus saving face and confrontation. We don't use it anymore, but I rarely get that edge...We CAN be trained.
My experience, and also a lesson from James (and Jesus), is that it is impossible to control the tongue. James says, "No man can control the tongue." How then do we keep our words from hurting others? Jesus said, "Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." We have to make sure that our HEARTS are right--lined up with God, etc.
When I was in college, I had a roommate who had NO practical experience in life. She did the dumbest things. I used to go to one of my professors and whine about her (in essence belittling her to make myself look better) but his response was always, "How can you help her?" So I began matter-of-factly teaching her what she didn't know--how to open the tank and adjust the plug in the back of the toilet so it didn't run all the time, how to use a larger pot so stuff didn't spill over and catch the place on fire, etc. I grew at least as much as she did that year, through changing my heart toward her, seeing her as a teammate that needed my assistance rather a ditzy dame who couldn't do anything.
It isn't enough to just "not criticize" (though that is a good place to start!); but rather figure out why you are criticing and change it. Probably, in your mother's heart, you are thinking, "You have so much potential, I hate to see you wasting it." But I"m sure there are better, more loving ways to express that than, "At least you can't buy booze." I love that about Jesus, he always gets to the heart of the matter. Silence is a good option while you ponder WHY you want to criticize. A lot of it is thought habit and you CAN grow out of it and learn to respond in a more honest way.
One thing I love about my (grown) daughter is that she has learned that her actions and words have farther-reaching implications than just whom she is speaking to (ah, the joys of a small town!), and she has learned that grace of speaking well of others and to others. Perhaps having a little brother who adores her every move helps...
good thoughts, kathy. i am paraying for you and your family, i sure hope you see some results soon, but hang in there!Being quiet is something i am trying to learn, but my impulsiveness often kicks in before my brain, and i many times cringe with what i just said out loud!so...I feel your pain on that one, dear friend! the other day i was trying to watch the stupid things i say, and my husband and a child asked me what was wrong!!! Oh, no!!! i take samuel to see your hubby tomorrow morning. he inherited my awful acne! well, blessings to you, i have to go do some work.
OUCH...I feel too convicted to comment. Something happened in the "blame" department today, so I will defer.
I guess since I'm writing on Moms and Sons, God is giving me lots of "stories."
This last "story" will have to sit for a while (where's the Band-Aid). Maybe I should learn to tape it over my mouth!
HUGS!
Hi guys...I actually had a moment of panic, yes, panic, like "you hypocrite!" type of panic yesterday, while I was minding my own business, reviewing nursing home charts. The still small voice said something to the effect of, "well, you wrote what you might have said, which means they were thoughts, fleeting or not...in your blog post for the world to read, isn't that a bit critical?"
Ah softeness...I feel it coming, slowly but surely. But I do have a hard time with this one...
And Nicole, she was convinced I was yelling at her all day...oy vey.
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