Practical Parenting from Proverbs Chapter 3 Continued

"Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act." Proverbs 3:27-28. I need to do a better job of remembering this verse; it kind of goes hand in hand with what we are told in Ephesians 6:4,"Fathers do not exasperate your children." It's a good thing it doesn't say, "Mothers do not exasperate your children" because I know I exasperate my children all the time.

But verses 27 and 28 did get my attention and get me thinking. How often do I withhold good when it is in my power to act? I have to admit I squirmed a little at this one, because this is often times one of those "omission" mistakes, not a "commission" mistake. Of course the other part of that verse qualifies the recipient as one who "deserves" it, and that is a subjective call. But it really isn't that hard to add a word of encouragement, a smile, an affirmation or eye contact when listening to someone.

But this verse gets to the heart of the bigger stuff, too. I have a friend who has had a really hard life and is working very hard, in school full time, single mom, raising a family, and working. I saw her earlier today and she looks exhausted. We have chosen to help her attend school and help financially in other ways when she hits a brick wall. Not everyone understands this, so the verses from Proverbs are a helpful response. Helping her family is not preventing me from putting food on our table, and is making a huge difference to her family. In the meantime I know my kids are observing the extension of help which I hope is a lesson in selflessness.

I think a big reason we omit the help when it is in our power to do so because we are racing around trying to do too much and we are way too busy. I know I fall into this category too. Verses 28 and 29 continues, "Do not say to your neighbor, 'Come back later; I'll give it to you tomorrow'-when you now have it with you." These verses pretty much mandate that we get into the present tense of life. So slow down, listen for God's voice and start being a conduit of God's grace.

Practical Parenting from Proverbs Chapter Three

Wow! There's so much in this chapter, I hardly know where to begin. But I will start with the verses with which I am most familiar, due in part to a catchy tune that accompanied them in a Vacation Bible School (VBS) song. "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5-6). Let's face it, my own understanding tends to be one dimensional and because of that I miss out on the big picture and usually end up in judgement mode because my one dimensional view is incorrect; it is an assumption rather than reality.

So when I parent, if I am making decisions based on assumptions, rather than facts, or Truth, I end up on the crooked road, rather than the straight and narrow. I am sure it is simply a deceitful tactic used by Satan, that wily guy, because based on experience, the assumptions carry enough half truths to be convincing, and he would just love for us to think we have it all figured out rather than turning to God.

So here is an example of how my assumptions had me in an uproar based on assumptions that might have been reasonable, but nonetheless were false. Let me also point out that these assumptions if not corrected, and used as the definitive litmus test, could have caused some significant damage to my relationship with my son. And Satan loves broken relationships; I think it is his specialty!

OK. Our son was out West this past spring working and we had agreed to jump start the move by paying for gas (yesterday I filled my tank...it was depressing...it is inching up towards $4.00 a gallon) and start up costs. The credit card, used for a set of pre-approved expenses was to be returned once he landed. I agreed that he could charge a snowboarding helmet and could keep it until that was purchased because to me it was a reasonable expense for a daredevil who spends more time in the air than on the snow when he is snowboarding. So imagine my surprise and anger when the next bill came and there was no helmet, but there was gas, a couple of lunches and some groceries. Not part of the deal.

I cancelled the card and was in a huff over feeling duped and taken advantage of. In fact, I even assumed the lunches were cigarettes, because the amount seemed about right. When I spoke to him, however, and told him I had cancelled the card, I got a different response. He was relieved...relieved! that I had cancelled the card because he readily admitted it was too easy for him to simply use the card, as he had those times because he hadn't cashed his check yet. He told me he would pay those charges and clarified to my rather barbing questions over cigarettes, that they were turkey sandwiches purchased for lunch on the mountain. So my own understanding was off base. I'm glad we got that cleared up before I got too carried away, and I was delighted and surprised by his response. Go figure.

It goes on to say in verse seven to not be wise in your own eyes. Because just about when you think you have it all figured out is when it starts to unravel.

So anyway, there is so much good stuff here, I think I will hang out in Chapter Three a bit longer.

Practical Parenting from Proverbs Chapter Two

Wisdom; where does it come from? There are plenty of people who would say it comes from a good college education, my parents included. And I believed it for a long time too. In fact, my good college education was preceded by years of private school education where I did learn lots of things. In elementary school I was a student of French and German from first grade on; I learned to love to read, appreciate art and music and became in many respects a "well rounded individual" which helped me gain admittance to a good college.

But really what I mastered was self sufficiency and a belief that I could come up with the answers and solutions to problems. I quip that I was brought up on the theology of self sufficiency. When confronted with a task or problem I would simply examine it from every angle, persist, persevere and strive on until I had conquered or solved said problem. And it wasn't until I was faced with our younger son's substance abuse now several years back that I came to the end of myself and realized it didn't work and I didn't have the answers. I suppose that is when I got my first glimmer of real wisdom, which Proverbs 2:6 says comes from God.

But how do you share that with someone who isn't necessarily receptive to that message? To someone who doesn't believe in God? Someone like I had been for many years?

Well, you need to recognize a need for it first of all. Proverbs 2:3 says, "and if you call out for insight and cry aloud for unerstanding" and Proverbs 2:6, "For the LORD gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding." Now why didn't anyone ever instruct me to ask God? It wasn't until I came to the end of myself that I started to search beyond myself. The struggles were painful, but also purposeful and did lead to the beginning of knowledge, and not the type you learn in college.

It is a great gift when wisdom enters your heart. Discretion and understanding follow. It's just too bad that in our human condition we fall away and once again depend on self rather than God. But here's the good news, You can once again ASK God for wisdom and that is a request He loves to honor. James 1:5 says, "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault,and it will be given to him." Now that is great news! There is a teacher ready 24:7 to respond to our request when we humble ourselves and remember to ask. There is a condition attached, however, that is worth noting, which follows in verse six, "But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind."

Start reading at verse 12 and you will discover all the things wisdom will save you from, things I wasn't saved from with all the good, private education head knowledge in the world. I made plenty of mistakes; I didn't walk a straight path, I did walk in dark ways, I did hang out with people who followed crooked paths and who were devious. Like I said, I made plenty of mistakes.

But God can and will still use our mistakes for His purposes. I just finished reading Stephen Arterburn's The God of Second Chances. Well, couple that with Phillip Yancey's What's so Amazing About Grace, and well, you feel hopeful and not alone.

Arterburn writes, "Why are we so quick to believe what is false? (Like self sufficiency?) Because we want to. We want to own,to possess, to hoard...How can we remain faithful to truth if we are so predisposed to follow after soothing lies? First, we must believe the truth. We naturally tend to stray away from believing both the bad and the good news of the gospel. We forget about God's grace and become impressed with ourselves. We lose touch with the deadliness of sin. We forget to be honest."

Lean not on your own understanding...oh, that's a preview of Chapter 3...but it is the truth. My understanding usually isn't even a close second to reality.

Practical Parenting from Proverbs Chapter One

I continued to think about the Truth and Transparency topic and thought to myself that it would be kind of cool to reflect on the truth of the book of Proverbs and related it to the transparency of parenting issues that might fit. So, for the next month (long month, 31 days) I will reflect on what the book of Proverbs has to say to me that I can translate into practical parenting and highlight with the transparency of my own journeys and experiences.

The first seven verses of the first chapter of Proverbs are pretty straightforward. In this prologue, the purpose and theme of Provers is outlined. I refer to it as the blueprint for living within the blueprint for life given in the Bible. Lots of great parental wanna be words are used in the first seven verses: discipline, wisdom, understanding, words of insight, prudent, doing what is right,just and fair, discretion, discernment and guidance. A tall order. But here is a book that has plenty of insight up for grabs.

But I know for one I have a long way to go in this department. Ask any of my kids if I am fair. You will get different answers depending on which side of the issue they are on. There was a bru ha ha over a hairbrush here the other morning. Heaven forbid both girls would use the same hairbrush. After all, one is a brunette and the other is a redhead. One showers every day, the other under duress only after several elapsed softball practices and/or games. "You need to share" came my lame suggestion from the laundry room as I was hunting for a misplaced shoe. You might have thought I suggested that they be immediate kidney donors. "Nooooo" came the wails, soon followed by an airborne hairbrush hurled with the velocity of a stellar all star pitcher from the bathroom. It was clearly time for maternal intervention. "As your mother, that behavior is unacceptable" I stated. "You're not my mother" came the retort.

I knew this day was coming, and have had minor exchanges involving the issue of motherhood in the past,but this was an absolutely overt statement,aimed to cut to the core of my heart, if not cut it in half. You see, daughter number one was adopted in Vietnam when she was five months old. But thanks to (barely) surviving raising two sons through their teen years, I have developed a thick skin to attempts at maternal manipulation or heartbreak. Next....

So this is where discernment came in. And discretion and judgment. I knew she was angry at her sister. I knew she wanted the upper hand. I acknowledged her anger, but clearly drew the boundary line by stating what I expected from her. I didn't let my own emotional reaction enter into the debate or dialog. So there is a fine line between saying just enough or way too much. Here's a hint: It is generally better to err on the side of silence. It is hard to take back words that have already been spoken (or screamed).

The next several verses warn against making poor choices and being enticed into bad relationships. How often do we remark about teens and how things have gone downhill for them when they got in with the wrong crowd?

The next several verses warn against rejecting wisdom. And this is tough...because we all want our kids to make good choices and avail themselves of wisdom, which often comes through the mouthpiece of "mother knows best." But there is a line, sometimes fine, sometimes broad between what constitutes being a teacher and a control freak.

Verse 23 says, "If you had responded to my rebuke, I would have poured out my heart to you and made my thoughts known to you." Isn't this kind of the same as a mom saying, "If only you had listened to me, listened to my advice and gone the right way, I would have helped you out of the situation you had gotten yourself into."

Recently I was disappointed in how my adult son handled a situation. I rebuked, alright, but it wasn't until the next time that he responded to my rebuke and allowed the flow of grace in the situation. The last time I addressed the specific issue (anger management and actions stemming from anger) with him, I was basically told to butt out. The first time the interaction was without wisdom. The second time I invited him to dialog before responding, and because he did so, it opened a phenomenal opportunity for us to support and share with each otter, openly and honestly. It definitely went the right way, and I helped him (willingly)out of a situation he had gotten himself into. Basically, about $80 worth of items from REI had flown off the top of his car, as he thought she had them, she thought he had them and it could have very,very easily turned into a huge blame game. Instead, he refused to talk about it with the otter individual until he had calmed down, which he accomplished by calling me to talk to me and vent first.

May it also be so with the Lord, may we approach him with a healthy fear, as that is the beginning of knowledge.

Truth and Transparency

So, you may ask, "How did the blog gets its name?" Well, the honest truth is my webmaster titled the blog based on the tag line on my business card, which says, "Kathy Pride, Writing and Speaking with Truth and Transparency."

God definitely seemed to give me an extra dose of boldness. In fact, my husband, who is a much calmer, gentler and quieter soul than I has pointed out to me more than once that my boldness borders at times on being rude. I suppose it may seem that way to some people, although it is not my intention to offend anyone. So at times I will offer a disclaimer of sorts, noting that I tend to be a "tell it like it is gal" who at times becomes a bit carried away by passion and enthusiasm.

I believe in sharing openly and honestly, which at times may result in TMI...Too Much Information. But I also believe that there are many who can identify with the struggles and experiences I share, and even may be relieved to know there is a Christian woman who doesn't have it all together...But imagine if we all waited to be perfect before we served. The Kingdom would be REALLY short on workers.

I got a phone call today from the producer whose radio show I was on yesterday, thanking me for my honesty and transparency on the air. He said they received quite a few phone calls from people who appreciated my approach. I feel much more comfort in knowing I am not alone than in feeling like I am the only one who is hurting or going through a hard time.

It reminds me of what Rick Warren has written, that our biggest shame, pain or misery will become our greatest ministry, but only if we are willing to share it. So the next time you hear God calling you out of your comfort zone to be transparent, have the faith to step out. Your sharing may be a huge blessing to someone else.

God will use your transparency to reveal His truth. So speak the truth in love...and transparency.

Ordinary Doing Extraordinary

We had a great message this past Sunday. The message was about how God will use ordinary people to accomplish extraordinary Kingdom work. "God is raising up a movement of ordinary people that he gives dreams to and uses those ordinary people to do extraordinary things."

How do you feel about being one of the ordinary people God hopes to accomplish extraordinary things through? Excited? Scared? Both? Isn't it cool that if you are willing and obedient that God will share His dreams and visions with you and find a way to plug in your unique passions and giftings in a way to serve Him?

I am always relieved when I read that God makes us each uniquely and has gifted us with different personalities and talents and that He will use each one of us. So He can and will use my transparent, sometimes too honest and passionate approaches to topics and subjects that I am passionate about. Encouraging the downtrodden. Lending a hand of hope and healing to hurting parents who have family members experiencing substance abuse. Moms who have lost a child through miscarriage, preterm birth or neonatal death. Abortion healing. Those are just a handful of the issues I have strong feelings about and welcome God to send me to serve in those areas.

The prerequisite is not perfection (we won't ever have it) or more practice; it is recognizing and being obedient to the call when God is looking for an ordinary person to serve. He will empower you to achieve extraordinary results.

Vision Casting

Last Friday I attended the ADVANCE simulcast. It was a wonderful way to spend a day, being encouraged, inspired and nudged to grow in influence.

I was particularly excited by Andy Stanley's session on Making Vision Stick. I felt energized when the session was over, my mind swirling and racing in all kinds of different directions (a fairly normal state for my mind to be in).

Andy Stanley writes, "Vision casting will always include an element of waking people out of their apathy. Vision casters rarely bring new information to the table. What they bring is an impassioned concern about an existing problem. They bring fresh eyes." I love this!

I view myself as a vision caster. I hope I am a vision caster. I love to think in creative and out of the box ways to bring fresh eyes to problems or questions. I am particularly excited to serve as the Outreach and Missions Director at my home church, Community Mennonite Fellowship, in Milton, PA where I hope to be able to do just that; bring fresh eyes to how to help abate hopelessness in our community. Our church will be participating in the Faith in Action Campaign in September, an all church initiative meant to bring the church out into the community as servants. I am excited about the possibilities this will open for forging and growing relationships and sharing the love of Christ with others; others who know Hm, who think they know Him and who don't know Him.

Tonight a group of us are meeting at the church to brainstorm ways to engage in creative outreach. May we all be vision casters.