Stories and a Taste of Heaven

I have been thinking some about Jodie's comment about the dinner I went to with my dad providing a glimpse of Heaven. What a beautiful and spot on comment...

How many stories are interwoven in your life? How many paths cross? How many times have you felt or thought a chapter of your life was complete, when an epilogue ended up being written?

I have been thinking more about my chance yet destined meeting with Marilyn Horne Wednesday night of this week. She knew the heart of my aunt and uncle, but especially my uncle who so tenderly took care of my aunt (yes, great aunt, but they were always Uncle George and Tante Lisbeth) and my grandmother too during her declining years.

When my aunt needed more assistance and care than my uncle was able to provide for her, he hired live in help who provided the same level of love and care that he himself had. And after my aunt died, Sylvia remained on and eventually married my uncle.

It causes me to pause and think about the care my mom may require down the line. Unfortunately I don't see the same tender approach from my dad. But that may change.

My mother wasn't particularly thrilled with this and at times was negative about the progression of life and events. So a huge part of the gift of Marilyn's personal memories the other night were to remind me of my uncle who lived and loved with care and devotion. And did so towards the end of his life with a woman who respected and cared for my aunt as if she were family. That too is a gift.

I spoke to my dad this afternoon, and he was in the process of gathering copies of family photos of my aunt and uncle to give to Marilyn Horne; a reciprocity of sorts. A gift of an inside look at friends she held dear and admired. I continue to reflect and allow my heart to be touched by the sincere, caring and honoring words she spoke of my uncle. I am only beginning to realize now what the window his life opened for me revealed. But for him to be gone so long (since 1986) and be allowed another look was truly a bit of heaven.

There have been other delights and "coincidental" meetings and synchronicities, weaving together of unlikely lives and friendships that startle and amaze.

Have you had experiences like that?

A Gift; Meeting Marilyn Horne

Last night I received the gift of meeting one of history's best operatic mezzo sopranos. But what was so special was that she was a huge fan of my great aunt's and a dear friend of my great uncle George.

Here is my dad pictured with Marilyn Horne who attended last night's dinner in honor of Barbara Cook, pop singer extraordinaire.

As my dad and I were sitting sipping champagne and eating incredible appetizers, including a delicate chicken salad on edible spoon, Barbara Cook came in to receive her guests in the receiving line. But someone was with her, and that someone was obviously also a dignitary. A seat was brought over and immediately my former classmate and Barbara's son Adam went to greet her. He came back over to continue our conversation where it had left off, and I asked him, "who is that?" When he replied, "Marilyn Horne" I almost fell flat on my face.

Her name was familiar to me from a lifetime of lunches, birthday dinners, and family visits with my Uncle George (George Cehanovsky, Russian Diction Coach at the Met and singer prior to that time). She was a personal friend and great fan of my great aunt, Elisabeth Rethberg. I knew Marilyn's name and her voice well; I grew up going to dress rehearsals at the met, and I heard her sing there many times. And now here we were able to meet.

But what was so special about this meeting was that we connected as if family. I felt like God had allowed me to rub shoulders with my grandmother, who also lived with my great aunt and uncle for a spell, while my Uncle George lovingly cared for both of them as their health failed. She spoke to me. Connected with me. Reminded me of what special people my great aunt and uncle were, and brought memories of years ago into focus in the here and now.

And she shared with me that the earrings she wore, beautiful diamonds, were from Uncle George, smuggled out of Russia when he fled the Revolution with his singing coach, a woman he called his mother.

I only have vague recollections of the history that he lived through. I remember at one birthday gathering he did talk a long time. I was six and totally disinterested; I sat under the table wishing the story would come to a close. How I wish I could revisit that place...he shared about how he fled the country and made his way to the United States, living through an incredible period of history. And I was too young to appreciate it.

But tonight, when I met and was able to share with one of the all time great operatic singers, she gave me the gift of reconnecting with family in a special, unexpected and delightful way. I was truly blessed.

Ted Haggard: Walking Humbly or Hypocritically?

I have pretty st rong feelings about Ted Haggard. Here's a clue. They aren't positive. I am not aiming to be judgmental, just honest about my impressions of Ted Haggard which date back to the first impression I had of him. The following is copied from my UndoingChurch Blog which can be read at www.UnDoingChurch.blogspot.com.

I met Ted Haggard a little over two years ago; the day before his story broke. A story he initially denied.I have to admit I didn't know who he was when I met him (President of NAE, among other laudatory titles) but I did immediately know he had "celebrity" status by the way people were falling all over him. It didn't take long to figure out this guy was important.

We were scheduled as guests together on a Christian TV Talk show in Dallas, he to talk about his book, The Jerusalem Diet, me to talk about my book, Winning the Drug War at Home.

The funny thing is I wasn't originally scheduled as a guest for that day, but I formed some pretty strong opinions in my interactions with him.The first was that he definitely leveraged his position. He was a guest on another show across town, and needed to go on first. I was originally slotted in the first position, but it was immediately changed to cater to his schedule, which was fine except that he then went significantly over his time segment and never even said "thank you."

I have a pretty tuned in intuition, and actually just took a personality test that indicated that this is one of my strengths. There was something, well, just kind of "off" about him, not right, just too slick. His smile was plastered on his face as if held there by botox. Slick and fake. Too smooth. Not sincere.

He forgot his Blackberry at the first studio, and when my segment was over, my friend and I drove over to the second studio to return it to him. Again, no "thank you."I did want to ask him a question, though, because I was working on a Bible Study at the time, UnDoing Church, Discovering Faith: Not Your Mother's Bible Study(which will release in July of this year) about being the church, not going to church. In other words, living humbly, following Christ, not living hypocritically, and as a pastor of a church of over 14,000 I was interested in his take on the felt needs of his women congregants.

So I explained the premise of the study and asked how many of the women in his congregation could identify with some of the issues I addressed. His answer floored me then, but even more the next day after his story broke. He said, "I have no idea what women want or are interested in."

He really came up empty. How could a lead pastor of that many people not know what hurts and hurdles were faced by members of his church, even in a broad sense?

And now he is in the news again with more improprietous allegations. I am sad about this and angry.

Angry that someone who was supposed to be representing the church just added to damaging its reputation. Read UnChristian for a take on what those outside the faith think of Christians. Score ten more points for them, thanks to his actions, which were totally out of step with being a Christian. (I am afraid I do sound harsh and unforgiving...)

He denied, he lied, he tried to weasel out of it, and now he is getting more press time to promote his story.

Oh, and did I mention that the church paid an outrageous amount of money to the other individual who came forward as this story was breaking but none of us heard about because part of the deal was to remain silent. Over $175,000. Was this appropriate use of money collected from its members? I don't think I would have voted to approve that spending.Imagine how much clean water and food that could provide in areas of the world hit by disease and famine...

To me the fact that Haggard is out and about touring every major news source timed to perfectly coincide with the release of an HBO story about his fall from grace is sensationalism and taking advantage of his position and an incredible media ploy.

And in my opinion, it will not help the church. He said he was ashamed. Does that condone lying, and trying to get out of allegations?It hasn't always been easy for me to share our story; there are plenty of things that I have felt ashamed about, including my control freak approach to enabled parenting. But I chose to share to try to help others travelling that same road, not to absolve myself of my mistakes, or worse yet deny them. I believe in truth and transparency, even when it costs me, which it has.

But I also believe our God expects nothing less.

My Day in NYC

I grew up here, but it has been a long time. But there is definitely some NY in my blood. Maybe that is why I am so, well, crazy. It's NYC in my blood.

My mom has a love hate relationship with NY. She has routine, she can walk everywhere, but really has never embraced all that the city has to offer in terms of culture, activities, and diversity. She just told my dad the other day she is bored. She lives in one of the most full cities in the world and is bored. Now I can understand being bored in Danville (where I live) but in NYC?
My dad, on the other hand, loves it and would wither and die if he didn't live in NY. He is an artist, he has friends, he enjoys what the city has to offer and deals with the crowds, sometime rudeness of people and other hassles of living in a big city; like riding crowded subways, for example.

Nicole takes much more after my dad. When we got off the subway at Times Square, it was as if an extra dose of energy (for someone who already has way too much!) exploded inside her. She wanted to see Times Square, she wanted to be where the New Year's Ball dropped, she wanted to see Broadway, she wanted to go to a show on Broadway. She couldn't get enough.

Our first stop was the TKTS place. The weather was absolutely awful, so there was no line. Amazing. We got half price tickets to Mary Poppins, and went on to stop number two, American Girl Doll Place.

See the slush? NYC didn't get the several inches of snow central PA got, covered with ice, but did get slush and both our feet were cold and wet. I was waiting for Children and Youth to pick me up because Nicole had crocks on and decided to take her socks OFF when they got wet, and then rolled her pants up so the bottoms wouldn't soak. Great. A kid with no socks and pants rolled up to her knees sloshing through the cold slop...and on top of everything, it was raining.

But then she got her second burst of energy when she spotted AG place, a girl's paradise, and mother's nightmare. We established the ground rules for shopping before entering (how much money she had, deferring what she couldn't afford, etc.) and got to the store which was also empty due to the weather.



I have a hard time with AG...I love the dolls and all the great clothes and accessories, but they are outrageously expensive. It just absolutely grates against my frugal self. The doll clothes cost more than I spend on my own clothes...so for every dollar that I spend there I am going to make a donation to a homeless shelter. I guess that is some kind of warped rationalization...my thoughts on this will probably appear sooner or later as a separate post.

Nicole got Chrissa, the new doll of the year. And it is a good story, and actually has mean girls, a homeless girl and bullying as part of the story line.

Next we went to what has to be the world's biggest Toys 'R Us store. It is so big it has an inside Ferris wheel, and we met Carolyn there and all went for a ride in the Nickelodeon car. It was a blast. The store is one of NY's tourist attractions. There are guys all over the store with cameras snapping away; photos of you entering the store, hanging with Geoffrey the Giraffe, riding the Ferris wheel, which I did fall for. What can I say? It was a great photo...someone help me...


After the ride we grabbed lunch at TGI Friday's and Nicole's charm somehow garnered her a free ice cream sundae...yummy!

Then it was off to Broadway...Mary Poppins was great! Just good old fun. And a great story.

More Broadway. Lights, lights, lights and ABC News. So much stimulation. Better than caffeine, but we stopped at Starbucks and got some of that too.

And then I got ready for the original reason for the trip, the evening event at the Lotus Club to honor Barbara Cook. It was a great evening, and merits its own post. Below is a picture of my dad with Adam LeGrant, Barbara's son with whom I went to elementary school, and here we are pushing 50 and our parents 80...

It was a great day, and just worked out so well because a storm blew through.

NYC

Thanks to all of you who checked in to make sure I was surviving the snow and ice. As a matter of fact, I missed this storm completely!

I drove to NYC Tuesday evening, hedged my bets that there wouldn't be school (I was correct) and took Nicole in, spent a fabulous day in NYC with her, and then went to the special event my dad had tickets for, and returned this morning, by which time the roads were clear.

There was even a two hour delay, so I got Nicole back in time.

I have lots of photos, some remarkable life intersections from the event, and some poignant and difficult moments to write about. I will do all of that later while Nicole is at dance.

Now, I need to take a shower. I am still in my jammies (that seems to be a common theme!)

Monkey in the Middle

I am officially about to become the monkey in the middle. Of my parents.

What kind of monkey should I become? A big old gorilla that just sits and scratches? Or perhaps a chimpanzee that flies all around, swinging from branch to branch, or one of those really cute spider monkeys that just perches aloft a high branch and surveys? How do you think any of those would look with a pink crown? I swear, someone is going to commit me...

My mom needs to be near medical care. My dad refuses to leave NYC. My mom is bored in NYC (go figure...) and my dad has gotten out of his slump to decide that he wants and needs to spend what is likely the last ten years of his life painting, something my mom has never quite appreciated or affirmed. Each one is saying things about the other like a bunch of cranky sixth grade girls...oy vey.

I am getting it from both sides, and not liking any of it much. Just much more affirmation that getting totally connected with Howie is the highest priority for me, him, our future and our family.

So tonight I drive right into the eye of the storm. To escape the literal eye of the storm coming my way, (lots of snow and yuck) I am driving to NYC tonight to attend a black tie affair with my dad tomorrow night. I am taking Nicole and we are going to meet Carolyn in the city and have some fun prior to the shindig. Maybe they can hash out a little. Who knows. I imagine what is probably going to happen is my mom will limp along, he will complain about wanting to paint and not remind her of what she just forgot, and something bad will happen to one of them and I will need to manage it from three hours away. I told my mom that if she wanted to stay in the city (that she only likes if she isn't there) is line up her medical care there; she needs to have care there. She says no way. Her care is here. So I told her she needs to be closer then. She says no way. (Yes, there is a pattern). And I have a feeling my dad would say, by all means take her, I will stay her and paint, she thinks my art is an ego trip anyway. She says no way, he can't function without her.

I need my magic wand. Welcome to my sandwich.

Now What?

I am exhausted, so this will be short. As a matter of fact, I needed to email a photo to the company I am doing nursing work for for a real ID (I am flabbergasted at how many people in Nursing Homes do NOT ask me who I am...) and I just go in and start reviewing charts. I always tell them who I am, but half the time there is no initial greeting, "may I help you," or, "what on earth do you think you are doing with that chart, we've never seen you before."

At any rate, while I was uploading the photo I fell asleep. Honestly, sitting here in bed with the lap top on my lap...

So my mom had her follow up appointment. The finding? Several small ischemic (without Oxygen) areas many focused in the memory center, kind of like mini little strokes, probably accounting for the cognitive changes she has been having. The doctor thinks she should move closer to medical care (i.e. here in Danville) and my dad won't budge. Nothing new, just now a personal dilemma.

This promises to be the hot topic that will go round and round and never end for the next several months/years, until a situation arises that DEMANDS immediate attention. Great, more remote parenting...which of course I will do, and don't begrudge, don't get me wrong. But I want what is best for them both, and for them, that is going to be difficult at best. Despite being married over 55 years, they share few common interests and have no common dreams as far as I can tell. I don't want this for my marriage and golden years. One of our (me and Howie) shared visions of a great marriage is that we hope and dream together about our future and despite being very different, we do share much in common (believe it or not!) Compassion, travel, tri athloning, scuba diving, helping others...

Nicole gave me a loud and stomping run for my money this morning and promptly earned herself some solitary time this afternoon.

I am fading. My mind keeps drifting, my eyes slipping shut and drool is forming in my mouth....

I am not very diva like today, just simply a squeezed gal. Well,OK,I'll take my tiarra and wand back; you never know when they might come in handy; but anyway, on to sleep.

Peace.

PS I edited this morning as I found several errors...I really was falling asleep in the middle of a sentence. Maybe I should go back to early morning blogging...

Clinging to the Edge

I really am trying to live my life without falling off the edge. Yesterday, I saw the perfect picture on the Internet to go with my blog. It was a van hanging over a cliff out in Colorado somewhere, really teetering. (Apparently a failed suicide attempt, the car didn't careen into the canyon). That was scary.

But for those of you praying for me, hugging me in person and sending cyber hugs it has all been felt.

My mom first. Tomorrow we go to the neuropsychologist to get some kind of feedback from our visit Friday. I know a friend of mine recently went through evaluations with the same doctor with her mom, and said it took awhile to get results, so I am reading between the lines about what it means that they might have results for us from Friday's appointment already. But in all fairness they know my mom plans to go back to NYC Wednesday, so it may be just the medical system actually being sensitive for a change, for which I am thankful.

I did talk to my dad, and he is no way, no how ready to contemplate leaving NYC. This could and probably will get a lot worse before it gets better. Please continue praying.

And Matt. He went back to Ithaca today to finish his internship. We finally broke our silence...not a mean spirited silence, just a necessary silence I think on Thursday. I wrote him a letter, as did Carolyn. We gave him a lot to think about and evaluate. And then we shared. He spoke, I listened and spoke when invited to.

He seems to have taken several steps in a positive direction. He has shared honestly, as have I. He has absolutely been depressed, and that is so difficult to be around, especially understanding it is an organic disorder just like hypertension that can be ameliorated with medication, which he finally started to take because he chose to. I want to protect the trust we are building with each other and simply say that he has done a great deal of introspecting, sharing, crying and deciding to help himself. We (Howie and I) are fully committed to helping him help himself.

So, if you would add an extra layer of prayer to my sandwich, that would be just wonderful.

I have remained steadfast in a strength that has not been my own. I know it comes from a higher power, one I call God. May God be there for you in your valleys or layers of your sandwich as well.

I hope tomorrow's news doesn't push me over the edge...

I am Not the Maid!

Yikes! What this?!?!?
It's a towel with fluffer nutter all over it! A sticky mess. No wonder Tianna voluntarily went in the shower, no questions asked! This towel was found on the bathroom floor, along with gobs of fluffer nutter in the sink and dripping/sticking to the cabinets. Lovely. I think some of it was in her hair, too.

I did several load of wash yesterday and today. With two swimmers, one manic exercising husband and one additional athlete wanna be (that would be me) we produce an inordinate amount of laundry (mostly towels) and Howie's sweat glands work overtime. I say no more.

Then there are the dishes that are produced from smoothie making. I don't think the other cooks in the kitchen ever were told that clean up is part of the job...

I managed to vacuum two thirds of the upstairs and discovered several dust bunnies downstairs hiding behind piles of books waiting to be listed on Amazon.com. I move the books into the closet to give the dust bunnies more room to reproduce. We won't even discuss the bathrooms...

Remind me again, why did I get white tile? Oh yeah, I forgot, and this is true. I am thankful for my white tile floor, so I have become accustomed to it being more gray. I promised Tianna after being in Honduras I wouldn't complain about it again. I am thankful not to have mud as my floor, really I am.

On to the next...

Slipping off the See Saw

Yesterday was a difficult day. Today was a long day, but fun and productive in the spending time with people I care about department. Now the laundry, cat hair, books piled up high in the hallway, well, that's another story...

I think I almost got bounced off the See Saw yesterday, and it promises to be a bumpy ride, but I didn't quite fall off, and the ride is more balanced again today.

I sat down last night to write a post and I just couldn't. But today a care package arrived from The Extreme Diva herself, Jean Ann Duckworth, (www.extremedivamedia.com) with all kinds of Diva fun, and a CD mix. I imagine Cyndi Lauper's "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" is probably the title track.

My mom had her appointment with the neuropsychologist yesterday. She was nervous, and so was I. We filled out all kinds of questionnaires and my mom had several concept type questions to answer. We go back Monday to discuss the results, but based on preliminary discussion it appears that my mom is experiencing ischemic changes that are resulting in memory and cognition issues. The doctor asked how my mom and dad would respond to moving out of NYC to Danville. That isn't an encouraging question. I don't think it will go over well. Not with my mom or my dad. I am driving my mom back to NYC and going to a special dinner event with my dad Wednesday evening, though, so I trust we will have time to talk and more to talk about.

So Howie and I decided that out of our list of 24 characteristics that we came up with together that would be our ideal marriage the one we are going to focus on the most is laughing together, and the hardest one is going to be achieving balance in our lives. We also included things like putting the other person first, which is why I got off my derriere that was parked comfortably in our bed, ready to post, when he decided to turn out the light on his side of the bed. Typically I wouldn't budge, but for some reason tonight the key strokes just sounded much louder, and I decided the considerate thing to do would be to move. So my toes are cold because they're not under the covers anymore (of course I could have put slippers on, but I can't find them...I probably wore them out in the snow along with my jammies one morning) and my desk chair isn't nearly as cushy cozy as my bed. But I made a choice to put the other person first.

And I think that is the first step in helping a marriage stay balanced.
Of course I am self-centered. We all are if we really admit it. Pursuing our own agendas, getting frustrated when we don't have enough margin and one of our kids takes FOR-EV-ER doing something and we can't cross the next thing off our list, etc. etc. or just getting wrapped up in blogging in bed.

I think balance in marriage is about making more deposits in the other's trust/love account than making withdrawals. And the little things really do add up. It works that way in all relationships, really. Putting the other person first. It sounds so simple, but can be really hard.

Howie did make me laugh today. Really laugh out loud laugh. I have a very unfortunate experience of finishing other people's (especially Howie's) sentences for them if they don't get to it fast enough. Well, Howie didn't quite answer my question fast enough, I don't think I waited two seconds before I provided him with about seven multiple choice options to select from. He made a face at me. You know, one of those, "are you finished yet?" faces. But he didn't say a word. And then he shushed me again today. I get shushed a lot. Except this time it was while I was trying to talk to him and I didn't realize it but it was while a couple of our girls were singing the national anthem at the start of the swim meet. I deserved to be shushed (for a change!)

Live, laugh, love and keep the balance. Oh, and while you are laughing, make sure you laugh at yourself once in a while too!

I feel sandwiched. I hope the insides don't get squeezed out.

Life in the Balance

Life in the balance. Let's park here for awhile, since it is such an up and down and often unbalanced ride, kind of like sitting on a see saw. And you know what happens when someone abruptly decides to get off. Down it crashes. So balance doesn't only depend on us, it depends on the others in our life as well. Ithink that's what happened last week; I ended up with a thud on my butt, in the mud.

But for the time being, I want to settle in on the fact that the only one we can control is ourselves. As much as my inner control freak (especially the control freak mother in me) would like to break loose here and micro manage my household's life, the truth of the matter is the only one I can control is myself. And inherent in that revelation is the realization that I have choices.

Every day,day in and day out. I have choices, to react or respond, to speak or to remain silent, you get the idea...but choices that allow me to control myself. And here's the great part! Ultimately our choices can affect other's choices as well, which is about as close as my inner control freak will get to micro manage.

I think this is especially true when our response is different, unusual, or a surprise.

Here's an example. I am a pretty "fly by the seat of your pants" kind of person. Howie loves routine. Balance (or seeking balance) in my life has allowed the light bulb of revelation to go on in my head that routine helps to eliminate chaos, which, after all, is what I would love. So we were talking about what we each imagined a great marriage would look like and were taking turns making statements, and I made a statement about craving routines. The poor guy almost fell off his chair. It took him about five minutes to recover until we could go on to the next one. But it was true. And he listened, and he heard. Good stuff.

So balance looks like saying "no," putting people first, letting the dust bunnies collect in the corners, not flipping out when someone tracks in dirty, snowy gunk all over the white tile floor (what was I thinking putting white tile on the floor in the first place? I choose to own that choice!) and including as much margin as you need. Oh, and getting that darn edge out of my voice...more margin and lots of prayer will help that!

And Matt also seemed to have some revelations of his own. I listened, encouraged and affirmed. It is the first time we have really spoken with any depth in the last week. Silence on my part helped a great deal (a choice). I have a tendency to react at the extremes; especially with him. If he is doing great, I am ecstatic; not so well, I'm in the dumps. What has changed I think is a decision to also be more balanced in my relationship, responses and interactions with him.

So instead of living on the edge, I am trying to stay in the middle.

Peace.

Dessert Sampler: Enjoy the Balance!

Back to "joie de vivre." The ebb and flows of the days continue; some bring pain and some bring joy. Since I prefer joy, that is where I am parking myself. Back to fun and silliness in pursuing the important things in life.
I was searching for this picture I took a couple of weeks ago. I thought I had taken it with a camera minus the the card, but I found it! Yippee!
And then the batteries gave out, and I took a few shots with Tianna's camera, but couldn't remember which pictures were on which card. We had a fresh snow the other morning and I had a couple of those shots also...but they are on the other camera...
So on to silliness and quirky observations... We had a meal at church a couple of weeks ago. Now, these are dangerous events, especially if one is wanting to lose a little padding from, say, thighs or hips...
Self control, balance, moderation, discipline...all those things go into making a healthy choice. But isn't that true of life in general? Moderation and balance.
So instead of diving head first into the chocolate, I made myself up a little dessert sampler, complete with the sugar free diabetic option...
And I am following the same process for life: A sampler.
A sampler of choices, which is where we exercise those muscles that lead to moderation and balance. Saying "no" has become a key choice with the goal of choosing not what makes everyone else happy, but what is honoring to those people closest to me (it's back to relationships...)
So one of the things I just did was perhaps irritate my entire neighborhood, but, well, I guess it will reveal a thing or two.
We have neighborhood bunco, and in a moment of haste, I signed up to host February. The 12th to be exact. I had a vague recollection that I had done this weeks ago, but emailed the group yesterday that due to family health concerns and a big list of unknowns surrounding those concerns, I had to step back. Of course, it would have been more prudent to NOT do it, but in such a thing we all take turns. So bunco may need to go. Probably the wisest choice.
We'll see what happens.
Off to another day of chart review. Not in a manic sense, but in the balanced rhythm of doing what I am able and then moving on. Without any guilt.
Peace.

Relationships

Back to relationships. Yesterday was a day of relationship growth, through honesty, silence, and carefully chosen words.

Historically, I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut.

We have had a great set of messages at church from the book of James and it is just full of great advice. The Message translation says, "It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on reputation, sent he whole world up in smoke, and go up in smoke with it." (James 3) Oh my!

So, not wanting to start any infernos and go up in smoke, I am keeping my mouth shut, and when I do open it, trying not to have an edge. Since I can't do this alone, I have enlisted help from a variety of sources, because relationships matter.

Some thoughts.

• Never shame, blame or criticize. You may want to, but don't.
• Silence is often the better option, especially when tempted to react (not respond) with shame, blame or criticism.
• Consider the other's perception of how you communicate with them. Howie seems to always hear an edge in my voice, and I could be whispering and Nicole would still think I was yelling.
• Consider it a learning opportunity when you have to repeat yourself. I am needing to do that a lot with my mom (repeat myself) and that edge could come back in a hurry...

So how did I practice these things?

• My mom will just never be able to use the Direct TV remote. It involves too many steps.
• I didn't say a negative word when Matt and I finally had three minutes together and he shared that he couldn't find his phone, passport or driver's license. No ID. My only comment was, "well, make sure you don't get stopped when you're driving" while inside my thoughts were more along the lines of, "well, drinking too much might have something to do with it, but, oh well, without an ID, there won't be any of that. What a shame." I kept my mouth shut. It is too easy for my humor to turn rancid and become sarcasm.
• Margin helps. Especially with Nicole.
• And with Howie, just really understanding that we see our worlds completely differently. He is red, I am yellow, and together we make orange.

Peace to you this day. Despite trials, I remain filled with the peace of One who is stronger than me.

Simplify

The crusade to simplify my life continues.

Today's focus was on making sure I had enough margin in my day. I started out quietly and alone, and am finishing it quietly and alone, with God and my thoughts.

I woke up early and Howie had set the coffee to go off last night. This is a huge gift to me. To wake up and have the coffee already brewed (which almost happened...the clock was set correctly, except it was on pm not am...) is a huge gift. But I didn't have to wait long, and I retreated back to bed with my Bible and a couple of books. I am reading one on the Spiritual Disciplines, and coincidentally enough, the chapter is on simplicity.

I began my day in quiet, peace and order, which sustains the quiet sense of resolve I have adopted. Resolve not to be hurt, not to hurt, and not to be manipulated, whether that is the intent or not.

More of a painful story continues to be woven; I trust the purposes and lessons that this time holds for me.

I went back to work today. This is also a mostly solitary undertaking, and I enjoy that. It comes as no coincidence or surprise that I find myself working in long term care settings. I did call the neuropsychology department at the hospital today to see if there was any inkling at all as to how long my mom would need to wait for her evaluation appointment. I will be driving to NYC next Wednesday to go to a dinner with my dad, and she is anxious to go home. There is work to be done! I keep reminding her she has appointments ahead, and if they are not taken care of before next week, then she will need to return for them. She is not pleased about this. In the meantime, she toasted a bagel in the toaster oven without slicing it. Mistake? Confusion? Normal? Who knows. What I do know is that I will be relieved when I get a professional's assessment, regardless of what it reveals.

And Matt. Haven't had much contact with him. He has been out late and sleeping late, not in step with my schedule. I know his original plans were to return to Ithaca tomorrow, after his ortho appointment for his wrist. I hope that plan is still in effect. I am anxious, yes, anxious (as opposed to eager, although I am that also) for him to complete his internship hours, which seemed so "in the bag" and are now feeling uncertain to me, so he can move on. I have often remarked that middle aged women (that would be me) and twenty something year old guys don't belong under the same roof. That feels more true now than ever. Our schedules and life choices just don't seem to be in sync. I did write him a letter today so I have shared my piece.

So here I am in the middle of the sandwich of the sandwich generation. Can I at least make it a gourmet selection rather than a slice of generic bologna between two slices of white bread?

Peace.

Stress is Zapping my Joy

OK, there you have it. I am stressed, and it is zapping my joy just a tad.

I am normally very high energy but just didn't quite have it in me today, so when three people greeted me at church and asked how I was and I responded, "OK" instead of my usual great or similar, I took a bit of razzing. And I just didn't have it in me.

I didn't have it in me because I am sad. Sad about lousy choices that are relationship wreckers. Sad about lies and belligerence, sad about what too much alcohol does to a person. Sad about how I could have thought things were so good and have the last week unfold.

We always have a chance to ask for prayer in Sunday school class; and I did. And this was my prayer: That Matt free fall to his bottom without any parachutes or rescue nets, more than likely provided by me, whether intentionally or not. A month at home reveals some tough realities which are too easy to dismiss when visits are short. So a hopefully rapid crash to bottom, whatever that is; and that is a very scary prayer...His bottom has had more than one trap door in the past.

May I love and support him and those who need love and support without enabling. That is my prayer for me.

So anyway, at the end of Sunday School, one of the guys who had razzed me a bit came up to me and said, "I owe you an apology." "For what?" I answered. I didn't even remember that he had teased me. When he told me what for, I was kind of surprised, and immediately accepted his apology.

But it was a very valuable reminder to me that we really don't know the pain someone is experiencing under whatever veneer they display. And I am more transparent than most, so imagine the harm us joking, bouncy folks can do if we are not sensitive to what others may be experiencing. So it was just a timely lesson in watching expressions and body language if the spirit is nudging you to sense that something isn't quite right.

So I am tired and sad. Lord, give me peace and strength. And I know He will.

A Day in the Life

Today was a pretty busy day, but it was fun, and Howie and I were actually in the same place most of the day, doing things together,which doesn't happen often enough.
I did make it a priority to start my day with exercise. I went to spinning class at the Rec Center, and the class starts at 8 sharp. By 8:02 all twelve bikes were occupied.
I gave new meaning to "rolling out of bed"into exercise as the handiest thing to pull on over my bike shorts were my favorite jammy bottoms and pink under armour sweatshirt. My hair was everywhere (which is hard, because even though I am growing it, it still isn't that long) and my water was already iced as it had spent the night in the car. I remarked that I could have used the generated body heat from the class on my windshield when I went out to start the car. Someone said, "that's why you have a garage." My response? "Well, you haven't seen my garage, but you can visit my blog to see pictures."
The class was great, and then it was immediately on to the next. But only after catching up with the woman on the bike next to me who is someone I swam with like 15 years ago. Or maybe it was more...now I am feeling old. So I went home, took a shower, put another load of wash in and made an egg white omelet with some dill and blue cheese (just a tad). Yummy. Boy was that good! And we got ready for the swim meet, at which I agreed to watch our swimmers and document what they were doing right and wrong. It seems like the officials have a really hard time DQing anyone, and actually think they are doing the kids a favor by not disqualifying them. The kids are in for a rude surprise when they meet a stroke judge who actually does their job, so I was recruited to provide feedback. I dressed in my whites for the occasion:

Hey, I even had jewelry to match!

And then when we got home from the meet (a two hour drive away) we got all decked out and went to a fundraising dinner for Big Brothers Big Sisters. Last year I got some great things at the auction portion of the evening, no such luck this time, but we did sit with friends and had a lovely time.

Now I am back in my favorite wardrobe selection, my jammies and ready to collapse. Tomorrow is another day.

Pajama Day

Well, you already know Pajama Day is every day for me, but Nicole actually had Pajama Day at school today. And she prepared for it as she does for most things: with painstaking decision making (painstaking for everyone else), great deliberation and uncertainty despite evaluating several combinations.
Option One: New Eagles Jammy bottoms, with no matching top. She absolutely could not understand and would not accept that the "matching" top was simply a T shirt or sweat shirt.
Option Two: Rummaging through my jammy drawer to see what I had and determining that every available option was "ugly" or "stupid."
Option Three: Insisting that Tianna had a jammy top, despite her saying "no, T-shirt, (non-endearing term) Nicole! And then I put my robe over, which is why you don't see the T-shirt!!!!!
Option Four: A summer nightgown with leggings underneath and then a huge dilemma about what to wear over it as today is the coldest day of the winter to date. Somehow my suggestion of "robe" was not well responded to. "What if I am the only one?" My suggestion of wearing slippers was also vetoed.

The good thing was, when she FINALLY decided (nightie, leggings and robe) when she got up this morning she was already dressed, complete with bed head.

Then when we arrived at the school, she panicked because the three other kids arriving at the same time didn't have on jammies. I assured her it was, in fact, PJ day, and if it wasn't she could call me and I would bring her clothes. I told her she wouldn't be the only one, but if she was, that certainly I could help with that.

That is why I require margin in my life! All over PJ day! (And yesterday it was over supplying like 20 addresses to magazine order forms, no obligation, mind you, just completed forms so the school could get TIME for Kids.

Oy Vey. (Katy, did I spell the "vey" right? I can't remember...

Peace.

Live, Love, Laugh

I miss Finn. I miss Carolyn. The both left yesterday. Instead of living, laughing and loving, I am hurting and crying. But still loving.They brought joy, laughter and shenanigans into the house. And a smile to Matt's face, which we don't see too much. What is breaking my heart the most is that Matt says he can't remember the last time he was happy. I mean baseline happy. Not having fun, or being happy being with someone, but truly embracing life. Embracing life is key. Dogs seem really good at this. We could learn a thing or two from them.

It is difficult to see people you love going through difficult stretches, whether emotionally or physically. It is important to live, love, and laugh. Heck, it sure beats the alternative: being dead, hating, and crying. But I venture to say more of us end up rutted in some version of the latter rather than the former.

I guess that's why the Stressed Out Diva persona appeals to me. It is fun. It is real. It is silly. It is spontaneous. And we all need more of those things in our lives. Fun and silliness. I hope it hasn't been too long since you had real fun, belly laughing fun with your kids, spouse and or friends. The kind Connie and I had in mid-December. And the truth, well, why pretend? It only makes others feel lousy because they can't figure out why they can't handle spinning all those plates...and spontaneity! The best! But of course you need pretty wide margins in your life if you are going to be spontaneous. To have time to respond to both the delights and the demands. To be available to those who may need to lean on your shoulder for support...who need a hug, need some attention, or a little bit of love.

My commitment is to become as un-busy as I need to be so I can respond to those I love and be available to them. And that looks different to different people.

• Last night I just sat with Matt. Just sat with him. Didn't talk of offer suggestions unless he asked.
• This morning I went into Nicole's school and filled out the too many addresses for unnecessary magazine subscription solicitations so the school could get TIME for Kids.
• I helped coach Tianna's lane at swimming.

But here's the thing. All of these things take time and putting the other person first. I sat with Matt instead of getting to bed before midnight. I spent the time this morning at the school filling the addresses out. I forwent my own exercise to help Tianna. It's all a trade off, but you really can't lose (even though the culture in many ways has conditioned us not to believe that) when you put relationships first. (Oh, and to me, that is a huge part of being a Christian...putting the other person first)

But here's something funny, well, OK maybe not so funny, especially if my washing machine protests... I scooped up a bunch of towels from downstairs by the hot tub along with an empty wine glass. And put the towels in the wash. But it sounded awful. Well, I forgot to remove the wine glass and ended up using my washing machine as a rock tumbler. Out came the wet towels, out came the shards of glass. What next? (I know, I shouldn't ask).

But it is a new day. May it be filled with grace.

Be Still and Know I am God

Today this is my prayer, hope and desperate need for me. The line from zany, funny, life on the edge stuff has me clinging to the ledge with just my fingertips at the moment.

So please, if you are a pray-er, pray; and if not, just send healing thoughts my way. For those of you reading who know about Spiritual Warfare, let's just say I got blindsided. I am trusting that what I find myself in the middle of is an opportunity to respond, not react. To grow relationships rather than destroy them, to heal rather than to hurt, and to cling to God who will walk alongside me.

It involves relationships with my son Matt, his girlfriend Carolyn (and their relationship together) and also my mom.

Thanks. Peace.

Flying Through Life By the Seat of my Jammies

I think this would make a good talk title.
So I did it again, and suspect I won't stop. Out the door in the morning in my jammies.

Here is my profound thought for the day, as I am struggling to juggle:

• One overly dramatic twelve year old (there is a cyclical reason for the emotions
• Another daughter who can't be rushed and still doesn't know how to brush her hair
• A husband whose parting words and sage advice to me this morning had something to do with routine and how wonderful but often missing it was in our life
• A mother who stores soup cans under her bed and needs to go to PT to have her gait evaluated
• A fifteen year old cat who likes lasagna and is a messy eater
• A dog who looks like Marley and is also becoming less able to do stairs (maybe he can join my mom at PT later today!

I need more margin in my life. I historically have not allowed nearly enough margin in my life and one would think with all the ridiculous twists and turns my life takes, I would have gotten this message sooner.

Do you have enough margin in your life? What can you do to simplify, which will de-stress?

Here are a couple of ideas:

• Say "yes" to nothing out of guilt.
• Get up before your kids and have at least one cup of beverage of choice. For me that would be coffee.
• Ask God for help. H-e-l-p-p-p-p-p-p-!!!!! That suffices!
• Set realistic expectations. Ha, I know I am not one to talk, but I'm working on it.

Have a great day!

Announcing My New Blog!

Hey there.
If you know me at all, or have been reading here, you know I have a huge passion for outreach and social justice issues. Instead of combining the two on this blog, I have launched another blog where I will share those thoughts, and keep this one the "Stressed Out Diva Mom" blog.
The other thoughts can be read at: www.undoingchurch.blogspot.com. Feel free to drop by!
I have also been meaning to mention that I have been picked up as a parent blogger on the Empowering Parents web site. I am going to set up a button link from this site (OK not me, but my web help, who I would die without). My last post garnered like 34 comments. Took me a bit by surprise.
Oh, and I just found out yesterday that I had another story accepted into a compilation. All in all, a good day. And the new office is just about done, and very nice. Photos will follow...
Cheers!

Divide and Conquer

Today was a "divide and conquer" day. In other words, how to manage being in two places at the same time.
I went to church and stayed for the budget approval meeting, and Howie took the girls to their swim meet. We are in a new league this year and some of the meets are on Sunday afternoons. I don't like it much, and don't think Howie did either, especially with it being playoff time in the NFL. Oh well, his team is out of it anyway...
After the meeting I went to the mall where I had to go back to Hollister to get the stinking security tag removed off a pair of pants Tianna bought. When I was told they could take care of me at the checkout and there were eight people on line, I resorted to begging one of the clothing folders to just help me out. It was bad enough to have to go back to have the stinking tag removed, but to wait on another long line was pushing me over the edge.
While at the mall I also went to the ATT store to investigate cell phone exchange options. It is for the cell phone we got Tianna for Christmas that we swore we wouldn't get.I got it on an upgrade with ATT, but bought it at WalMart. Without going through all the gyrations of all the ramifications of returning a phone one place and re buying at another, let's just suffice it to say I was regretting ever yielding in the first place. It just isn't as easy as you think it should be. No saved contacts, no same number, no immediate turn around...but, something was perfect about my timing.
I ran into very old friends while I was there, swimming parents from our first go round as swim coaches twenty years ago. Well, the guy has gone from former bar owner to pastor, and they invited me to speak at their Valentine sweetheart dinner. They want real, honest to goodness funny true life. I am going to do something incorporating communication and expectations and dress in my pink Jammie's with my tiara. I can hardly wait.
So, I want to do something like, "Ten things you and your spouse approach differently." Flannel vs. silkies is for sure one, asking for directions another...what are some other good ones? I can't wait, it should be great.
I am exhausted. Sleep well.

Pat Rack Junior...

OK, here are the after photos. I have taught my daughter too well. She is a pack rat extraordinaire...She is much worse than I am. Purge is not a word in her vocabulary. I, on the other hand have little difficulty with it. Why I buy in the first place (bargains?) is another question. But today, while the girls were at school I tackled Nicole's room. Her satellite orphanage is now set up and won't be shut down by children and youth. I have purged three large garbage bags and three bins from her room. Some of her dear possessions will relocate to the storage room, some will go to Hand Up, some to a yard sale, and some to a family whose girls are the perfect size. Now, sit down before you look at the before photo...

This is what it was. Never mind finding clothes that were clean. Don't even think about coordinating matching anything. It was a nightmare, partly because it become one of the last depositories for all things Nicole that were all over the house. The Saturday Box is going to make its 2009 debut. If it is out and doesn't get put away, it goes in a Saturday box, to be reclaimed on Saturday, but only if it goes back where it belongs, otherwise it will end up at HUF, never to be re-purchased again.

I had my mom take my picture and I swear the flash did go off, but you could never tell.

I have been thinking about renaming my blog. My friend Theresa thinks it should simply be,
"Welcome to Kathy's World." I am somewhat partial to, "Living Life on the Edge Trying Not to Fall Off" and also under consideration is, "Flying Through Life by the Seat of Your Pants."

So, here are the things that could have caused me stress today, but did not:

• Nicole's room.
• My mother brought yogurt with her from NY and put it in my pantry instead of the fridge.
• A phone call from a friend giving some sage advice about financial matters that my dad needs to take care of ASAP. Only problem is, he is in London, and no one could give us the correct city code for London. I had to pay $7.95 for International Directory Assistance.
• I have been working on arranging for a visiting speaker for our church this weekend and now we are getting a foot of snow; prudently he cancelled, but I am bummed because I wanted to hear him speak (Sherman Bradley, City Gospel Mission, Cincinnati) and was having a dinner party tomorrow night. I get psyched up for these things, so it not happening is bumming me out.
• Howie is not happy that somehow the fish tank that was in what is now our shared office is taking up 25% of the surface space of his desk, and my mom is not happy that the filter is not plugged in. One frog and one sucker fish have been managing without bubbles and gold fish food for sometime now.
• My mom is a pack rat also, (what can I say, it is a family trait) and is preparing for Armageddon now in her new bedroom, storing cans of Progresso Soup under her bed instead of putting them in the kitchen.

Sigh.

So what's your vote for new blog title?

PS In trying to figure out what is the best way to go about re-booking the airline tickets (why pay a change fee when more than likely the flight will end up cancelled anyway?) I spoke with a lovely Travelocity agent in India named Balwant, and I even pronounced it correctly! Score two points for me!

Peace. And stay warm and safe, and if the snow is flying in your neck of the woods tomorrow, hunker down, bake some cookies, and pull out a game.

A No Stress Drive to NYC

I don't mind driving to NYC. I don't even mind driving in NYC. Of course, that's because I grew up there. But I must say the drivers are incredibly rude. So a no stress drive to NYC is not an oxymoronic statement to me. Anytime anyone is up for a roadie to the city, let me know.I did get off four hours later than I intended; a record for running late, even for me.
First, there was a two hour delay due to lingering ice. So I was rested for the trip. But I still managed to not have it all together to leave directly from dropping off Nicole at school.

My errands included stopping by the middle school to search for forgotten tap shoes at the dance recital on December 13th, going to the bank, filling up the gas tank and visiting one of the locations we are considering for one of our couple's dinner events. And a bathroom break at each location due to the pot of coffee I foolishly drank before getting on the road.

There was snow on the way, trucks that travel too fast for any one's safety and good CD's to listen to. I also caught up on some phone calls from my "mobile office."

Upon arriving in NYC I parked, unloaded, loaded my mom and her two parakeets up and got out as fast as I could. In fact, my turnaround time was less than half an hour. Nicole was grumbling the whole time because she thought there should have been an obligatory trip to the American Girl Doll Store, despite just receiving a new one for Christmas. No go. I didn't even get to Zabar's,my favorite gourmet food shop only four blocks away from my parent's apartment.

It is nice to have my mom here; she loves her new room, and the new office is shaping up nicely. It was a lovely stress free day, complete with a quick stop at the Tannersville Outlets on the way home where the Under armour Outlet actually excited me more than Chicos. More pink exercise attire, what could be better!

Cheers.

Stress, Ice and Another Jammie Day

Stress or joy? May I suggest that the two can go together, as the choice of one can help eliminate the other. So first, I invite you to the joy and beauty of a new day. This photo was taken from my driveway, which is covered in thick ice, which has rendered me home bound (I prefer snow for school cancellations) in my jammies for the day. I thankfully will not attempt to drive anywhere today, and if I did I probably would put on some real clothes (picture of jammies forthcoming further down the post).

But for those who do need to drive, the ice and fog I am sure are causing stress. Not to mention what plan B needs to be implemented for kids home from school. I am thinking particularly of my friend Shelley who started a new job yesterday. Whammo, a school cancellation on her second day of work, that is stressful.

But let me remind all of us (myself at the top of the list) that we do have a choice in how we respond to events, especially ones we can't control, like the weather or someone rear-ending you while you are still wearing your pajamas.

So here are my choices:

• Do what you can and let the rest go.
• Try to make others laugh, or at least smile! Even the policman who successfully wears his professional and poker face.
• Pray that you don't allow your frustrations to be vented on innocent observers like your children. This is really hard for me.
• Jesus is a good role model. In particular don't get too far ahead of yourself. There is enough worry for today. Ain't that the truth!

The other choice I fortunately get to make today is to not drive. Oh, by the way, get this. I thought the only damage to the back end of my car was a couple of scratches to my bumper, but then I saw it was cracked underneath, but since I needed an oil change anyway, I took it to the mechanic who gave me the good news that my entire trunk cavity (where my rear seat collapses into) became detached. I think she must have been driving faster than me...

Matt and Carolyn went out last night to hang out with Chris and had the common sense to spend the night. But they decided to melt the ice on Matt's windshield by throwing pots of hot water on it while I was taking a shower. That caused me stress, as we have been having water pressure issues. Not fun

Nicole has been wanting to go ice skating, so here we have our own rink right on our deck. Who needs skates?

Ah, and here's the picture you have been waiting for: My jammies!

I hunted for my camera (which has gone missing along with one black earring, one of my favorites, I might add...a necklace, one new pink running glove and several socks) couldn't find it so grabbed Tianna's so Howie could snap a photo of me in my jammies to post here.

"You want me to do what?!? Take a picture of you in your pajamas to put out there for the world to see? So now you're posting boudoir shots of yourself?" My wonderful husband shook his head, but snapped away, mumbling something about not understanding in the process.

I must admit I do like flannel, although it ranks low on Howie's list. Even though it's pink it's not exactly Victoria's Secret...but oh so comfy, and how I plan to stay for the rest of the day.

Be safe.

What Happens When You Don't Set Your Alarm

QUESTION: What happens when you don't set your alarm in the morning?

ANSWER: You start your day already behind and your day might (OK, more than likely WILL) include various unexpected permutations that result in stress, something I am trying my darnedest to eliminate.

And guess what? This morning that is exactly how I started my day.

• My alarm didn't go off (of course not, I didn't set it, I rely on either Howie's alarm or Tianna's alarm to wake me up, a problem, I agree).
• Howie left WAY early this morning. I fell back asleep.
• Tianna's alarm also didn't go off. Now, I have no idea why that is because every weekend morning it wakes us all up because it goes off perfectly.
• I get Tianna, who is a morning person up, grab my coat and headed out the door all within seven minutes. Not bad.
• I let Nicole continue to sleep (Yes, there are other people in the house) and will get her off next.
• Oh, I did mention I still had my PJ's on, right? So you know what's coming...

What they say may happen (and why you should never go out in your jammies in public) did happen. I was involved in a fender bender. Let me add hastily that it wasn't my fault, but I still had to get out of my car. Coming up the last little home stretch of hill, the gentleman in front of me puts his signal on exactly two seconds prior to making a left hand turn and then promptly stops short, as a car is coming down the hill.

I successfully slammed on my brakes to avoid rear ending him. I was fine, my coffee was not.

The person driving behind me was not so successful and boom, rammed right into me. Darn it all, now Nicole was going to end up being late to school.

I felt really bad for the girl who hit me. It ended up being someone I knew, driving her first grade sister to school. No one was hurt, just shaken up. But the bad news for her was it was her fault because it is always the person's fault who is hitting someone from behind.

What about the guy in front of me who didn't provide me with a whole lot of notice? He sauntered across the street, looked at us, kind of smirked and made a comment about us following too closely. I will say that we were both travelling with as much space anyone does on that road, and kindly reminded him that he didn't give me much notice for his own driving choices of turning or stopping short. He was unimpressed and left, after reprimanding the girl behind me for not having control of her vehicle, shrugged and walked away. Nice, huh?

The policeman came and asked if I had my license. Uh, no, it is in my purse in my kitchen, where it did me a whole lot of good. But one of the benefits of living in a small town is everyone knows everyone, and even though we know each other socially, he was completely and totally professional.

So, her car couldn't be moved (cracked radiator), her air bag deployed and the whole front end was mushed. I only have a dent in my rear fender. Her parents came and I have to say I was really impressed. No yelling, no shame, no blame, the honest response that accidents happen and no one was hurt.

So lots of learning opportunities in this this morning, not the least of which is I will try to remember to set my alarm and not go out in my jammies, but don't hold your breath.

Marriage Matters

As in when one is married it is important. It is a relationship that requires care. Auto piloting marriage simply doesn't work; that becomes more like a relationship of convenience. My dad told me about an article he read (I think he said in The NY Times) that commented on the fact that this convenience phenomenon had actually gone one step further in these economically difficult times, and that couples who would otherwise be calling it quits can't/don't because they can't afford to live separately.

But how many married couples are together but in reality living like room ates, separately going about their routines, daily duties and lack connection and intimacy. By the way, intimacy is not synonymous with sex, as any Desperate Housewife will tell you. But both partners are lonely, hurting and ultimately end up bitter, resentful and alone even though they are together. Oh, and misunderstood. Trust me. But here's the great news, it doesn't need to be that way; it wasn't always if it is now, right?

Marriage requires attention, I suspect like growing a beautiful rosebush, but I don't really know, because I'm not a gardener, but have heard that rosebushes are hard to grow. They require pruning, just the right amount of light, right amount of moisture, etc. etc. And they are particularly susceptible to some nasty bugs. But then again chemicals aren't great either.

There are similarly many things that can assault a marriage if done too much or not enough.

Which is why I have said "yes" to another leadership initiative when I am really supposed to be saying "no" to new commitments. But this was one of those things that was just so compelling, and anyway, I will have help, I am not doing this alone.

There has been some talk and planning in our Ministry Team at church about events specifically designed for couples to prune and grow their marriages; and lots of interest, help and support, but no one at the helm. Despite a couple of severe frowns from others that clearly communicated a "no don't do it" message, I said "yes" and took this on (again with help).

Because I believe in and value relationships, starting out right in my family. I want a marriage with better communication, more intimacy and lots of joy. Don't you? So rather than give up is that is where you're at, take that first step towards making it happen.

Rationalizing Pack Ratting

Here is today's tidbit. How I(sometimes/often) rationalize being a pack rat.

You may recall that yesterday I posted something to the effect of bargain shopping resulting in too much stuff which thus yielded stress. Well, here's another take. If they are gifts, they contribute to the joy of giving and pampering my friends which falls under the relationship building category. Not to mention I found some really cool stuff for the Diva for a Day Retreats that are in the making...

I of course managed to find a rationalization for this today when I ended up at the Bon Ton and all their Christmas ornaments rang up at .99 each. Oh my! Now I was there just yesterday and the stuff was 75% off, enough to whet the appetite of my inner shopper, but since times are tough, that is no longer good enough. But each of the girls picked one out, and I limited it to just one thinking they were "only" 75% off, and was surprised when they rang up at .99 each, a discount of over 90%. That prompted getting a cart and filling it up.

The register can only handle 44 items per transaction and I will simply say my total order took more than one transaction.

And how did I rationalize pack ratting three boxes and one bag of ornaments? Why, they are gifts of course!

I love giving gifts. When I see something I know is perfect for someone else, I must buy it, and if it is a bargain the must factor is multiplied by about ten.

So I have among other things, eighteen "Joy" ornaments for all the teachers at Nicole's school for next year. A blown glass "Wisconsin" ornament (how unique) for my dear walking buddy who moved away to where else but Wisconsin. Three doggy ornaments, one for an editor who has a dachshund, and a Lhasa and Shitzu for a friend who has either one or the other, but I can't remember which...and enough to decorate my pink tree with as well as group together about three wedding gifts worth.

But in the mean time I still have to store them, so I lost today's battle. How did your day go in the pack rat department?

Pack Rats Anonymous

Great, so now this stuff is in my bedroom. At least it's out of the computer room, formerly referred to as the "junk room" and now my shared office space with Howie (who is not a neat freak like I am).

The only issue is I am a neat freak with way too much stuff! And most of this stuff is miscellaneous stuff that belongs to the girls but doesn't really have a permanent home. There is a lot of art stuff, meaning half dried out markers, broken crayons and all kinds of Mickey D's toys and bouncy balls out of gum ball machines.

So here is some new math leading me to the concept of forming a pack rats anonymous support group.

Me + Bargains = Too much stuff = Stress
Purging + Pruning = Less Stress + More Joy (but only after my stress first goes way up when I realize it is all self inflicted).

I was talking with a friend who marvelled at what my friend Audrey and I had accomplished in my storage space a few weeks back and now she wants to get on Audrey's list. I told her we should just be partners, that her stuff wouldn't hold any emotional value or significance to me and vice versa and I could tell her not to hold on to all that stuff "just in case" just as well as Audrey could. Which then led me to the idea of forming partnerships, which then led to the support group concept, because isn't hoarding just another addiction? I hate to admit it, but I am somewhat addicted to my stuff, especially if it was a gift, free or a bargain...(although my primary drug of choice is - and always will be -caffeine.)

Then, we could all just have one big happy yard sale and use the money for outreach to people who really need things, not just "in case" but to make it to the next day.

Of course it is easier said than done which is why we need the support of fellow pack rats. So share your story and share your stuff. Guaranteed to help you feel less stressed once you get over the hump!

My Mom's New Room

I guess I am ready to take a deep breath and write about my mom's trip to the ER earlier this week. It was Monday. Apparently Mondays are always busy nights in ER's (who knew?) but this particular night coming off Christmas weekend was even more chaotic. When they finally got my mom back in a "room" it was a curtained off area of the far end of the hallway.

It was this event that prompted the emptying out and moving of my "office" out of the space I had been toying with re-carpeting in hot pink shag carpet (Tianna has it in her room and I love it) and painting the walls alternating pink and blackboard chalk so I could scribble inspiration right on the walls. How cool would that be?

It used to be called the "angel" room because I have a host of angels, including my collection of Willow Tree figures guarding the space.
It has gone through several transitions over the years, once upon a time being set up as a small guest room where my mom stayed when she visited years ago, when all our bedrooms were occupied, before the boys were away at school and after Nicole was born. It really is a delightful space. Calm, serene and uncluttered. As a matter of fact, I am tucked under the covers with one of the cats curled up by my feet, writing in this newly created oasis.
And the formation of the room was based on relationship; the relationship with my mom and the fact that stairs have become harder for her and she needs a safe, private and comfortable place to stay when she is here.

And in the process of moving my stuff upstairs, I have organized, purged, pruned and thus simplified as well. It all feels so right.

There are a few familiar items here; artwork my dad (an artist) has done, the one hanging above the doll is a portrait of my mom. The plates both belonged to her mom and one of the older dolls was hers as well. It is a lovely, peaceful, quiet space.

Which is not what the ER was. Back to my story. Monday afternoon we got back from tooling around in the car and stopped at McDonald's for something to eat. My mom didn't want anything, but we did have some leftover BBQ sauce, which ended up being significant.

I was bustling around getting the car unloaded, getting swim bags together, and doing probably seven other things all at the same time and my mom was just sitting at the table, eating something, with kind of an odd expression on her face. I asked her if she was OK, she nodded and kept chewing something, but I didn't think too much about it. I take after her, I love to snack and so does she.

But then I looked a bit more closely, because she was oddly silent and she had a funny black residue around her mouth but insisted she wasn't eating anything when I asked her what she was eating, noting that she had a black film around her lips. Then she said, "nothing except this" pointing to the BBQ sauce, and since I didn't see anything else, and the girls were arguing over how early they were going to swim (Tianna wanted to go right away, her friends were there, Nicole wanted to stay home as long as possible, her friend was at our house) and they both wanted me to help. Thank God Carolyn saved the day and drove them, saving me the trip.

Which was also a gift from God, that I was home, because not too much later my mom came downstairs and had an awful bout of diarrhea followed by vomiting, followed by more diarrhea, followed by more violent retching. Howie was also home and despite questioning about what she had eaten, specifically anything similar to charcoal (charcoal?!?!?) she denied remembering eating anything. We got her in the shower and off to the crazy ER, convinced she was bleeding internally.

I will fast forward to the part where she casually said something about the fact that she should not have eaten that cookie. Then it clicked. And I was horrified.

I had seen an open small, sample sized packet of little triangular charcoal fire starter wafers and put them aside, wondering what they were doing on the table. My mom had picked them up, she says from under the tree, thought they were cookies (now, let me tell you that being a product of the depression she regularly eats things that I would have long ago composted, I will leave it at that...) and ate one, dipping it in the BBQ sauce because it was hard and presumably didn't taste that good.

Now would be an appropriate time to let you in on the fact that there is a raging history of Alzheimer's dementia on my mom's side of the family, a fact I am desperately trying to ignore, but it is a bit like the huge elephant in the middle of the room.

I insisted she see someone in Internal Medicine the next day because my parents planned to go home today, and my dad is going to London for two weeks, and with her gait unsteadiness and unfortunate culinary choices, I just didn't feel like being in NYC in the winter for two weeks without anyone around was such a great idea.

But she is more stubborn than I am, so I knew this advice would need to come from a doc in order to have even a marginal chance of being accepted. It ended up not being a difficult sell when she didn't ace her mini mental screening exam.

They went back to the city today, on the bus together. They have something they are doing tomorrow night that they are looking forward to. And my dad leaves Tuesday and Thursday I will drive to NYC and pick her, and her two parakeets up and bring them back to Danville. She will stay until she has more medical follow up which will include a more thorough testing and some PT for her unsteady gait, and then final follow up with her primary care doctor.

I do believe God knew I would need the next six months free of commitments and deadlines to be available to my mom and serving her needs. I am grateful for His love and providential caring; I know I will continue to need it.

My dad recognized God's hand in this situation immediately and just wished my mom did as well. He commented that he wished she could see the difference it made in her outcome to be here and not in NY, for me and Howie to both be home (when we usually are not at that time of day) and for her to get care right away because she was here when it happened. It is a story that could have a very different ending if she had been in NY.

What Will the New Year Bring?

Happy New Year! I am moving my office upstairs to make room for a main level bedroom for my mom. This will not only make it easier for her to get around our house, but it will force me to clean out and get rid of lingering papers, projects and to do's that haven't gotten done 9and are unlikely to get done anytime soon). Yes, there is a log of pink in there..

Here we are. Another year, and I have been giving quite a bit of thought to what may be in store, how to prepare for it, how to live with grace, and how to have FUN! You know, living, laughing and loving well. Here are my thoughts and dreams for 2009, and what I aim go dedicate myself to. What about you?

That has been what much of the past year's slow (and sometimes painful) purging and pruning process has been about. Putting relationships first, and getting rid of all of the things--commitments and stuff -- that get in the way. Fortunately, God has saved me from myself a couple of times (at least!)

I have also been giving much thought to the direction I want to go in with my writing and outreach. I have to say I have come to the conclusion that the four core values that JeanAnn Duckworth the founder of Extreme Diva Media have as her foundation to everything she promotes are right on: (And the fact that bling, pink and fun are all wrapped up in that package are all a huge plus for me!)

Relationships. Spending time with people when no one seems to have enough time always needs to trump getting other stuff done. That leads to value number two:

Simplify. Get rid of the stuff--all of it--that distracts you or occupies you from growing relationships. This may be hard to do. You may need to sacrifice a bit, or face some poor choices you made (that in turn make you feel not so great about yourself...) Two of the things I purged were quite a bit of gorgeous yarn I bought in China. I still haven't used it, so I donated it to the shawl ministry at my church. Now I don't have the pressure of knitting projects needing to be done.

And then I also got rid of a bunch of notes from an online marketing program I signed up for. It was not an inexpensive program that I fell for, and never implemented, because what they didn't tell you was the time and computer skill necessary to implement it. Ouch. I never did it, and every time I see those notebooks full of notes that I never did anything with I get a little ill. It was at a time I had a good job, and I didn't make a good choice with the money it cost to participate. Unfortunately I have too many other examples of variations on the same theme.

Less really is more. Which leads to the third value:

Increasing Joy. There is a lot of joy in having freedom. Freedom from obligations, self imposed or otherwise. Why do we as women have such a hard time saying "no?" Fortunately I am getting better at this. I am really trying to carefully consider each choice I make and line it up against these four principles. If it brings with it a nagging feeling of angst, I am now trying to say "no". Since I have historically had a difficult time saying "no" and have such passion for so many different things, I frequently jump into very deep holes without any thought to how I am going to claw my way out.

A recent example of this is when a writing friend asked if I would like to lead a writer's coaching tele-seminar. Initially I jumped at the opportunity, and then carefully considered what it would entail, and thought, "what, am I crazy?" (Don't answer that!)So I emailed him back and told him he had done such a good job coaching me that I considered it, but it wasn't a good fit. I was honored that he thought of me, and left it at that.

And when taken together the end result should be:

Decreasing Stress. And who of us don't want to do that?

So, the focused area of my writing and any speaking will line up with Diva-izing lives for other stressed out women and moms. It has also seemed to be the focus of all the writing I have been doing. My friend Connie and I are also exploring sharing these principles with other stressed women and moms through "Diva for a Day" events.

And my crazy life will provide plenty of stories. All identifiable with I am sure. How many of our lives are lived from distraction to distraction, putting out fires, responding to demands and needs, and losing ourselves in the process, and ultimately we are good for nothing and no one.

Of course, I suspect it gets worse before it gets better. The photo proves that!

So those are the things I am going to be focusing on this year. And the difficult part, I suppose, for me will be maintaining the focus. In case you didn't know this, I get side tracked very, very easily. My life seems to be made up of bunny trails. Distractions that take over leaving me with gazillions of ideas, passions and unfinished projects (which result in too much stuff which in turns leads to more stress).

I think I will start with re-naming my blog and putting a truer to me picture up top. How about, "Living Life on the Edge, Without Falling Off"--I'll bet there are more than a few who can identify.

Do here's to a simpler, more joyful, less stressful year ahead, creating and maintaining meaningful relationships.