Slipping off the See Saw

Yesterday was a difficult day. Today was a long day, but fun and productive in the spending time with people I care about department. Now the laundry, cat hair, books piled up high in the hallway, well, that's another story...

I think I almost got bounced off the See Saw yesterday, and it promises to be a bumpy ride, but I didn't quite fall off, and the ride is more balanced again today.

I sat down last night to write a post and I just couldn't. But today a care package arrived from The Extreme Diva herself, Jean Ann Duckworth, (www.extremedivamedia.com) with all kinds of Diva fun, and a CD mix. I imagine Cyndi Lauper's "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" is probably the title track.

My mom had her appointment with the neuropsychologist yesterday. She was nervous, and so was I. We filled out all kinds of questionnaires and my mom had several concept type questions to answer. We go back Monday to discuss the results, but based on preliminary discussion it appears that my mom is experiencing ischemic changes that are resulting in memory and cognition issues. The doctor asked how my mom and dad would respond to moving out of NYC to Danville. That isn't an encouraging question. I don't think it will go over well. Not with my mom or my dad. I am driving my mom back to NYC and going to a special dinner event with my dad Wednesday evening, though, so I trust we will have time to talk and more to talk about.

So Howie and I decided that out of our list of 24 characteristics that we came up with together that would be our ideal marriage the one we are going to focus on the most is laughing together, and the hardest one is going to be achieving balance in our lives. We also included things like putting the other person first, which is why I got off my derriere that was parked comfortably in our bed, ready to post, when he decided to turn out the light on his side of the bed. Typically I wouldn't budge, but for some reason tonight the key strokes just sounded much louder, and I decided the considerate thing to do would be to move. So my toes are cold because they're not under the covers anymore (of course I could have put slippers on, but I can't find them...I probably wore them out in the snow along with my jammies one morning) and my desk chair isn't nearly as cushy cozy as my bed. But I made a choice to put the other person first.

And I think that is the first step in helping a marriage stay balanced.
Of course I am self-centered. We all are if we really admit it. Pursuing our own agendas, getting frustrated when we don't have enough margin and one of our kids takes FOR-EV-ER doing something and we can't cross the next thing off our list, etc. etc. or just getting wrapped up in blogging in bed.

I think balance in marriage is about making more deposits in the other's trust/love account than making withdrawals. And the little things really do add up. It works that way in all relationships, really. Putting the other person first. It sounds so simple, but can be really hard.

Howie did make me laugh today. Really laugh out loud laugh. I have a very unfortunate experience of finishing other people's (especially Howie's) sentences for them if they don't get to it fast enough. Well, Howie didn't quite answer my question fast enough, I don't think I waited two seconds before I provided him with about seven multiple choice options to select from. He made a face at me. You know, one of those, "are you finished yet?" faces. But he didn't say a word. And then he shushed me again today. I get shushed a lot. Except this time it was while I was trying to talk to him and I didn't realize it but it was while a couple of our girls were singing the national anthem at the start of the swim meet. I deserved to be shushed (for a change!)

Live, laugh, love and keep the balance. Oh, and while you are laughing, make sure you laugh at yourself once in a while too!

I feel sandwiched. I hope the insides don't get squeezed out.

Live, Love, Laugh

I miss Finn. I miss Carolyn. The both left yesterday. Instead of living, laughing and loving, I am hurting and crying. But still loving.They brought joy, laughter and shenanigans into the house. And a smile to Matt's face, which we don't see too much. What is breaking my heart the most is that Matt says he can't remember the last time he was happy. I mean baseline happy. Not having fun, or being happy being with someone, but truly embracing life. Embracing life is key. Dogs seem really good at this. We could learn a thing or two from them.

It is difficult to see people you love going through difficult stretches, whether emotionally or physically. It is important to live, love, and laugh. Heck, it sure beats the alternative: being dead, hating, and crying. But I venture to say more of us end up rutted in some version of the latter rather than the former.

I guess that's why the Stressed Out Diva persona appeals to me. It is fun. It is real. It is silly. It is spontaneous. And we all need more of those things in our lives. Fun and silliness. I hope it hasn't been too long since you had real fun, belly laughing fun with your kids, spouse and or friends. The kind Connie and I had in mid-December. And the truth, well, why pretend? It only makes others feel lousy because they can't figure out why they can't handle spinning all those plates...and spontaneity! The best! But of course you need pretty wide margins in your life if you are going to be spontaneous. To have time to respond to both the delights and the demands. To be available to those who may need to lean on your shoulder for support...who need a hug, need some attention, or a little bit of love.

My commitment is to become as un-busy as I need to be so I can respond to those I love and be available to them. And that looks different to different people.

• Last night I just sat with Matt. Just sat with him. Didn't talk of offer suggestions unless he asked.
• This morning I went into Nicole's school and filled out the too many addresses for unnecessary magazine subscription solicitations so the school could get TIME for Kids.
• I helped coach Tianna's lane at swimming.

But here's the thing. All of these things take time and putting the other person first. I sat with Matt instead of getting to bed before midnight. I spent the time this morning at the school filling the addresses out. I forwent my own exercise to help Tianna. It's all a trade off, but you really can't lose (even though the culture in many ways has conditioned us not to believe that) when you put relationships first. (Oh, and to me, that is a huge part of being a Christian...putting the other person first)

But here's something funny, well, OK maybe not so funny, especially if my washing machine protests... I scooped up a bunch of towels from downstairs by the hot tub along with an empty wine glass. And put the towels in the wash. But it sounded awful. Well, I forgot to remove the wine glass and ended up using my washing machine as a rock tumbler. Out came the wet towels, out came the shards of glass. What next? (I know, I shouldn't ask).

But it is a new day. May it be filled with grace.

Two Celebrations of Life

Today I was privileged to participate in two celebrations of life.

One celebrated the life of Paul Thomas in a Memorial Service of his life. Paul was 65 and the father of my dear friend and babysitter extraordinaire, Abby. Abby was also a faithful pray-er for me, long before I appreciated her efforts. She would say to me, "Kathy I am praying for you" and well, it just made me feel uncomfortable. I didn't realize what a gift she was imprting.

Yes, there were many tears and also grief in his passing from this life to the next. But there was also hope; hope that through the bond of faith the family will be reunited in the time and space of eternity. That is the hope the family will hold close that through the bond of Christ this is a temporary separation. We listened to the song by Mercy Me, "I Can Only Imagine" and as I listened I closed my eyes to try to imagine just a glimpse of what that time in a place called Heaven will be like. And how I long to share that with the people I care about.

My dad came with me. He is here for a couple of doctor appointments. It is his turn for health crisis. He has a horrible rash, I mean omigosh red...all over that he had assumed was hives, stress or an allergic reaction to medication. His dermatologist (not Howie) didn't think it was any of them, but was reluctant to venture a guess without biopsy results.

The funeral was tough for him, because he is at an age (80) where he is losing friends. It starts to hit really close to home and brings thoughts of "What am I here for?" "Have I accomplished what I was supposed to in this life?""Where do I go next?" But it also brought connection through contemplation and discussion of these haunting questions, haunting because there is uncertainty in the answers...And also close to home because now he has health issues, and he is scared. But he believes in God, and that is a wonderful connection point for discussion.

The other celebrated my friend Janis' victory over breast cancer. Janis invited several of her friends and supporters through her illness to a high tea. It was just a wonderful event of delectable finger foods, feeling special and celebrating life.

Janis is the last person on the right. So many of her friends from different spheres of her life were there to join her in this victorious celebration.

Now here is something really bizarre. I was talking to a friend of mine seated at this table, while facing the woman in pink. As I was speaking to my friend, I kept staring at this woman, while feeling somewhat confused and disoriented. I was so distracted I couldn't pay attention to my friend I was speaking to. We locked eyes and both came to the same stunning realization at the same time. We were both at Paul's service earlier today. She entered the chapel at the same time we did and sat directly in front of us. It gave me chills. I had to excuse myself from my conversation and get a handle on how we both could be at two such different yet similar events miles (about 50) apart in the course of the same day, celebrating the lives of two special people.

And this is Betty, Janis' mother, who I first met at a writer's conference several years ago. She also recently experienced a serious health scare and the fact that she was here today sharing in this celebration was nothing short of miraculous.

What a blessing to celebrate and support friends in their grief and joy, in their searching for answers and gratitude. For together being a part of God's family

Weekend Musings...

Yesterday I spent ALL day getting from the West Coast back home. I was hoping to be bumped (again, OK, so call me greedy...) but wasn't successful. But I did have really interesting conversation in Chicago during a lengthy layover.

It was just what my soul needed. I called a friend to talk about some of the amazing thoughts, ideas and beliefs reverberating inside my head and mentioned Erwin McManus' name on the phone. Well, it turns out someone who wasn't even supposed to be in the Chicago airport at that moment in time, let alone within ear shot of my conversation overheard me simply mention my name and decided to hang out and introduce himself. His name is Jeremy and he was just on his way home from Amsterdam. He had worked there as a missionary and church planter for eight years and as a matter of fact knows Bob and Mim Phillips, missionaries our church supports. We had a wonderfully encouraging conversation that was a blessing to both of us.

Then I also had a conversation with a couple of guys from a United Church of Christ that a pretty fundamentalist guy eavesdropped on and made his opinions known. It didn't represent the love of Christ to me and left me feeling very awkward. It just didn't seem quite right to be finger pointing so early in the conversation...

I was happy to hug it up with my family when I got home. The house did look like a category five storm had swept through and I have the pictures to prove it, too, but decided to pass on those for the time being.

Worship was magnificent this morning, but soul piercing for me. I have come away from the last three days with a much deeper appreciation for how much God loves me, and how pathetic I am at sharing that love with others. It prompted me to decide that I think I may agree to share one morning while our pastor is on sabbatical about love and I Corinthians 13. Bart Campolo's tag line on his blog is: Love God. Love People. That's all that matters. What are your thoughts about that? Too little? Does it cover it all? But raw love that is patient and kind, doesn't hold a grudge and doesn't keep score of wrongs is a rare thing.

And then in the evening I participated in a prayer and discernment gathering for a non-traditional church plant that a group of us from my church have been gestating for nine months now. I am dancing the Moses Dance big time, let me tell you... Who me?A church planter? No thanks, I don't think so...but the more I immerse myself in this process the more strongly drawn I feel. Big sigh.

In the meantime I have scheduled two writing days a week at a local basilica as my retreat home not too far away from home.

Peace.

Be a Pencil in God's Hand

"We are all pencils in the hand of a writing God, Who is sending love letters to the world."

-Mother Teresa

May God sharpen your point, erase your mistakes and use your story to communicate love to a world in desperate need.

Shalom.

True Love

True love is so much more than giddy emotion or feeling enamored with someone else because they happen to agree with us or we are temporarily or perhaps permanently on the same page as someone else. It is full of hard things like sacrifice, endurance, perseverance and zero expectations. Wow, that's pretty different than the happily ever after story of love I was exposed to as a young child, or the conditional love I have felt from so many for so much of my life. It is time, as followers of Christ that we move to that space where we love in the way of Jesus. And that is hard.

The following is written and excerpted from Jon Walker's devotional at gracecreates.com.

We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love our brothers. Anyone who does not love remains in death. 1 John 3:14 (NIV)

Our love for one another is the fruit, not the root, of our relationship with God.

We are transformed from people who are selective in whom and how we love into people energized by God’s Spirit to love one another abundantly and unconditionally.

It takes faith to love another with God-love flowing into us.

Love starts with God. God loved you first, and your ability to love others comes from your connection with God. God loved you; now, you love others, and that allows others to see God in you (1 John 4:11–12).

Matt, I Love You!

The following is from today's Purpose Driven Life Devotional, written by Jon Walker:

"The apostle Paul says this is the problem with the law: We keep excluding people based on jot-and-tittle questions, such as what they eat or drink, how they celebrate a holiday, or if they wear a tie on Sunday (Colossians 2:16).

God comes in grace, saying, “The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love” (Galatians 5:6 NIV)."

Yes, we need to honor God, but I so believe that honoring comes through extending love and grace, the unconditional love of the father of the Prodigal Son variety (See John 15:11).

How do we do this? (Especially if it is one of your kids driving you nuts!)

OK, If I pay attention to the Apostle Paul, I guess I need to stop fretting about appearances, and stop nagging Nicole about her hair...and relate to her and love her as she is, where she is. (That doesn't mean tolerating disrespect, or letting her get away with things, one of the irrefutable laws of life is that we reap what we sow (in other words, suffer the consequences, or joys, of our decisions).

But there is a joy and freedom that comes along with celebrating and loving people where they are. I haven't always been good at this...like when we were at the bottom of the valley with Matt. But that is in the past, and we made it through. (If you don't know about this journey, it was what brought me to my knees and can be found elsewhere on my website, under testimony).

It is what made Saturday in Ithaca especially sweet. The joy of being in the moment. The joy of simply being. The joy of hanging out. The joy of experiencing where we are now compared to where we once were. Is there someone you need to be somewhere different with? Why not now? Take the first step...

I started to cry on the drive home. I remembered the same drive about eight years ago. I was listening to Michael W. Smith on a CD singing Kentucky Rose. Chris was a student at Ithaca College at the time and I had been up for a visit with him. Matt was struggling and Chris was too, in his own way. I remembered the past drive and the rawness of the pain as if it were yesterday. Driving home in confusion about how we had arrived at such a desperate place, and just sobbing. I hadn't let go or come to faith, or the beginning, very beginning steps of grace yet. I am coming to understand that faith is so much about grace. And I know I still have far to go, but what I realized even then was that somehow something had gone very wrong and that unconditional love wasn't there. Hurt, lies, deceit and brokenness were there. And it felt awful.

But this time the tears were tears of joy. Joy that love is present. That Matt is happy. That we got to laugh at a St. Bernard named Oscar. That I didn't even comment on the messiness of his room. (I didn't go to see his room or run a white gloved finger over any surfaces); I went to visit Matt and Carolyn and enjoy a day without any agenda other than being present and extending love. And that is grace.

Matt, I love you!

Churched...Some Musings...

I have been talking about this book for awhile now, and the author even longer. What I love about his writing is he is real. Just read the subtitle, "One kid's journey toward God despite a holy mess." And he writes about several of those holy messes in his new book CHURCHED.

I remember when I read his book THE COFFEEHOUSE GOSPEL. I was hooked on his humor and candor. Here was someone I could relate to. So I can't tell you how excited I was when I actually met him. He is as real in person as on paper. And I love that.

Now, first, the cover isn't blue. It is yellow. And I have no idea why my computer put it here in blue...And I have to admit I hope I do this book justice; I am a writer after all, so I am feeling a lot of pressure about now to come up with the right words. But just like in prayer, they don't need to be fancy or eloquent, but just the real deal. And I believe that's OK.

So here are my real thoughts about Turner's Faith upbringing and journey. First, it allowed me to re-think my position about wondering why the heck God waited to get a hold of my heart till I was over the age of 40. If I had met God in Pastor Nolan's church I probably would have left. The candor, humor and grace with which his faith journey is told and followed speaks volumes to my heart about a God that loves us through it all and despite it all, and in spite of some well intended, but perhaps misguided representatives. The effect that some legalistic representatives of God had on me in my younger days was to make me run as fast as I could in the other direction. With friends like them who needed enemies? But Turner didn't turn his back and run, but survived and tells the story without condemnation. I love that. To me that is the gift of grace. And we all need more of that.

Turner's ability to weave stories with a strand of resonating self deprecating humor is a gift that I believe will help many find hope and healing in the God that has been there all along, but may take some of us longer to meet or find. I laughed and sighed my way through the book and am relieved there is someone with whom I feel like a kindred spirit. His writing has validated my own faith journey, allowing me to become more confident in the many ways in which we can meet and worship God. We don't all need to fit into a prescribed mold, nor should we have to. After all, we are unique!

God has gifted us with a variety of attributes and talents. I am so thankful that He has chosen Matthew as a scribe to share His love with others in his own style.

Leave your comment here for your chance to win a copy, or follow the link to www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1400074711 to order your own copy.