Relationships

Back to relationships. Yesterday was a day of relationship growth, through honesty, silence, and carefully chosen words.

Historically, I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut.

We have had a great set of messages at church from the book of James and it is just full of great advice. The Message translation says, "It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on reputation, sent he whole world up in smoke, and go up in smoke with it." (James 3) Oh my!

So, not wanting to start any infernos and go up in smoke, I am keeping my mouth shut, and when I do open it, trying not to have an edge. Since I can't do this alone, I have enlisted help from a variety of sources, because relationships matter.

Some thoughts.

• Never shame, blame or criticize. You may want to, but don't.
• Silence is often the better option, especially when tempted to react (not respond) with shame, blame or criticism.
• Consider the other's perception of how you communicate with them. Howie seems to always hear an edge in my voice, and I could be whispering and Nicole would still think I was yelling.
• Consider it a learning opportunity when you have to repeat yourself. I am needing to do that a lot with my mom (repeat myself) and that edge could come back in a hurry...

So how did I practice these things?

• My mom will just never be able to use the Direct TV remote. It involves too many steps.
• I didn't say a negative word when Matt and I finally had three minutes together and he shared that he couldn't find his phone, passport or driver's license. No ID. My only comment was, "well, make sure you don't get stopped when you're driving" while inside my thoughts were more along the lines of, "well, drinking too much might have something to do with it, but, oh well, without an ID, there won't be any of that. What a shame." I kept my mouth shut. It is too easy for my humor to turn rancid and become sarcasm.
• Margin helps. Especially with Nicole.
• And with Howie, just really understanding that we see our worlds completely differently. He is red, I am yellow, and together we make orange.

Peace to you this day. Despite trials, I remain filled with the peace of One who is stronger than me.

Marriage Matters

As in when one is married it is important. It is a relationship that requires care. Auto piloting marriage simply doesn't work; that becomes more like a relationship of convenience. My dad told me about an article he read (I think he said in The NY Times) that commented on the fact that this convenience phenomenon had actually gone one step further in these economically difficult times, and that couples who would otherwise be calling it quits can't/don't because they can't afford to live separately.

But how many married couples are together but in reality living like room ates, separately going about their routines, daily duties and lack connection and intimacy. By the way, intimacy is not synonymous with sex, as any Desperate Housewife will tell you. But both partners are lonely, hurting and ultimately end up bitter, resentful and alone even though they are together. Oh, and misunderstood. Trust me. But here's the great news, it doesn't need to be that way; it wasn't always if it is now, right?

Marriage requires attention, I suspect like growing a beautiful rosebush, but I don't really know, because I'm not a gardener, but have heard that rosebushes are hard to grow. They require pruning, just the right amount of light, right amount of moisture, etc. etc. And they are particularly susceptible to some nasty bugs. But then again chemicals aren't great either.

There are similarly many things that can assault a marriage if done too much or not enough.

Which is why I have said "yes" to another leadership initiative when I am really supposed to be saying "no" to new commitments. But this was one of those things that was just so compelling, and anyway, I will have help, I am not doing this alone.

There has been some talk and planning in our Ministry Team at church about events specifically designed for couples to prune and grow their marriages; and lots of interest, help and support, but no one at the helm. Despite a couple of severe frowns from others that clearly communicated a "no don't do it" message, I said "yes" and took this on (again with help).

Because I believe in and value relationships, starting out right in my family. I want a marriage with better communication, more intimacy and lots of joy. Don't you? So rather than give up is that is where you're at, take that first step towards making it happen.

Communication: From Poor to Purposeful

I really was in the mood to blog last night, but two things interfered with my ability to respond to a couple of posts. Fatigue of the drool dripping out side of mouth variety (common) and an inability to come up with something to write about (uncommon). Must have been the fatigue.

Poor Howie tolerates an awful lot of me being tired all the time...before that totally turns into TMI, I will stop there. I will be happy to have my iron levels re-checked later this month to see if I am still anemic. My pathetic fatigue would indicate I must be. Lucky me, if my iron levels are still down, I get to go for a colonoscopy. But heck, I will get it done this year with lots of great snow me under drugs and an already met deductible on my health insurance.

Anyway, I get Purpose Driven Life devotionals in my email every day. Generally they are pretty good, but I have to say I liked them better when John Walker was writing them. For some reason he has moved on and has his own devotionals that he writes from his site, www.gracecreates.com. I tried to copy his to post it here (there was one particularly great line about the swine in the story of the prodigal son passing biscuits that made me laugh out loud) but no go. It must have some kind of protection on it. So you get Rick Warren instead.

Now, I have to say, I have met (if you can call it that) Rick Warren, and I was less than impressed,which really disappointed me. Like 40 million other people, I read The Purpose Driven Life (Kara, maybe you could get a copy of this for Ray?) and found it to be right on the mark in many places. He has absolutely done some great humanitarian work, so I was thrilled to learn that a Sunday I happened to be in Southern California and went to experience worship at Saddleback Church, he was preaching. I agree with a remark made by a friend and former staffer there, that Saddleback is a Disneyfied Church. It was huge and showy.

I hung around after worship and waited for what I hoped would be an opportunity to say hello. (I kind of felt like a MLB fan waiting for the players to exit the locker room) and finally my patience was rewarded...sort of. He did exit, along with a "bodyguard" who had an earpiece in, and maintained a very healthy distance. When I took a step forward, he stepped back and didn't acknowledge me until I mentioned that I was a friend of a friend. Yet he never shook my hand or really engaged in any conversation. Now I am sure he meets people who want something from him all the time, so I suppose there is a balance. But hospitality and humility were absent, and that disappointed me. I guess Hollywood, not all that far north of where we were, rubbed off. But I still appreciate his work so have copied today's devotional below, which makes some very valid points about communication. And we can all probably learn a thing or two.


Breaking Through the Sound Barrier by Rick Warren
Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. Ephesians 4:29 (NLT)
*** *** *** ***
Poor communication is the most frequently mentioned problem in marriage counseling. To really communicate, you must give up three things.

You must give up your assumptions.

We get into trouble when we start assuming we understand the meaning of what people say to us. The truth is everything you hear goes through a filter. Your filter is determined by your past experiences and your unique personality.
You may not be hearing what the other person is really saying. Therefore, it’s smart (and safe) to ask for clarification.

There are six possible messages every time you speak:

· What you mean to say and what you actually said.
· What they heard and what they think they heard.
· What they say about it and what you think they said about it.

Proverbs 18:13 (NLT) says, “What a shame, what folly, to give advice before listening to the facts!”

You must give up your accusations. You never get your point across by being cross. Anger and sarcasm only make people defensive and that kills communication.

Here are four common forms of accusation:

· Exaggerating – Making sweeping generalities like “You never” or “You always.”
· Labeling or derogatory name calling – Labeling never changes anyone. It only reinforces the negative behavior.
· Playing historian – Bringing up past failures, mistakes, and broken promises.
· Asking loaded questions which really can’t be answered, like “Can’t you do anything right?”

You must give up your apprehensions.

Fear prevents honest communication. It causes us to conceal our true feelings and fail to confront the real issues. The two most common apprehensions are the fear of failure and the fear of rejection.

But real communication can happen when you face your fear and risk being honest. Freedom is the result of openness. Jesus said, “The truth will set you free” (John 8:32 NLT).
© 2008 Purpose Driven Life. All rights reserved.

I think they are also valid illustrations of why we don't share (witness) and if we do where we get it wrong. How many people do you think actually will be open to hearing more about God from a bunch of angry picketers? From judgmental and sarcastic messengers? From those who shove their views in other's faces like wedding cake at an out of control wedding reception? Maybe starting with a conversation about discovering your life's purpose is a great place to start, along with no matter how many times you screw it up, God is still there, loving you.

I love this excerpt from The Purpose Driven Life (p. 247). "The very experiences that you have resented or regretted most in life-the ones you've wanted to hide and forget-are the experiences God want to use to help others. They are your ministry! (BUT) For God to use your painful experiences, you must be willing to share them."

Go share and be an encourager.

ReSurfacing...

I am adjusting to the unplugged life, but have resurfaced. We spent the last week in Virginia, where we have a lake house but no Internet. I would love to say I had survived the entire week without checking any emails at all, but by Wednesday I succumbed to the lure of knowing our neighbors had a computer, so over I went.

Most of it was junk, out of the 183 emails waiting for me, only about seven were "real". The most exciting email informed me that a book project I had proposed received a green light! I will be writing "What the Bible is All About for Moms" based on "What the Bible is All About" by Henrietta Mears published by Regal. I am honored to have this opportunity.

This week I do have access to email, albeit through the business center of the Marriott we are staying at, because I REFUSE to pay $9.95/day for Internet, so I have to wait my turn amongst adults doing real work, teens perusing inappropriate images on face book, and tweens im'ing their friends and the younger set making sure their webkins don't die.

What I don't have is reliable cell phone coverage. I have found one spot in the middle of the hallway outside our room, where if I sit on the floor and don't move my head I can actually register two bars and not have a dropped call. ATT doesn't seem to get coverage anywhere else. It's not so bad not being reachable, but it has posed it's problems in terms of following through on some things I need to be taking care of. Big sigh.

So now we are in Hilton Head, but no photos, because I forgot my photo card reader (more technology)...but after all, I am supposed to be on vacation!