Slipping off the See Saw

Yesterday was a difficult day. Today was a long day, but fun and productive in the spending time with people I care about department. Now the laundry, cat hair, books piled up high in the hallway, well, that's another story...

I think I almost got bounced off the See Saw yesterday, and it promises to be a bumpy ride, but I didn't quite fall off, and the ride is more balanced again today.

I sat down last night to write a post and I just couldn't. But today a care package arrived from The Extreme Diva herself, Jean Ann Duckworth, (www.extremedivamedia.com) with all kinds of Diva fun, and a CD mix. I imagine Cyndi Lauper's "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" is probably the title track.

My mom had her appointment with the neuropsychologist yesterday. She was nervous, and so was I. We filled out all kinds of questionnaires and my mom had several concept type questions to answer. We go back Monday to discuss the results, but based on preliminary discussion it appears that my mom is experiencing ischemic changes that are resulting in memory and cognition issues. The doctor asked how my mom and dad would respond to moving out of NYC to Danville. That isn't an encouraging question. I don't think it will go over well. Not with my mom or my dad. I am driving my mom back to NYC and going to a special dinner event with my dad Wednesday evening, though, so I trust we will have time to talk and more to talk about.

So Howie and I decided that out of our list of 24 characteristics that we came up with together that would be our ideal marriage the one we are going to focus on the most is laughing together, and the hardest one is going to be achieving balance in our lives. We also included things like putting the other person first, which is why I got off my derriere that was parked comfortably in our bed, ready to post, when he decided to turn out the light on his side of the bed. Typically I wouldn't budge, but for some reason tonight the key strokes just sounded much louder, and I decided the considerate thing to do would be to move. So my toes are cold because they're not under the covers anymore (of course I could have put slippers on, but I can't find them...I probably wore them out in the snow along with my jammies one morning) and my desk chair isn't nearly as cushy cozy as my bed. But I made a choice to put the other person first.

And I think that is the first step in helping a marriage stay balanced.
Of course I am self-centered. We all are if we really admit it. Pursuing our own agendas, getting frustrated when we don't have enough margin and one of our kids takes FOR-EV-ER doing something and we can't cross the next thing off our list, etc. etc. or just getting wrapped up in blogging in bed.

I think balance in marriage is about making more deposits in the other's trust/love account than making withdrawals. And the little things really do add up. It works that way in all relationships, really. Putting the other person first. It sounds so simple, but can be really hard.

Howie did make me laugh today. Really laugh out loud laugh. I have a very unfortunate experience of finishing other people's (especially Howie's) sentences for them if they don't get to it fast enough. Well, Howie didn't quite answer my question fast enough, I don't think I waited two seconds before I provided him with about seven multiple choice options to select from. He made a face at me. You know, one of those, "are you finished yet?" faces. But he didn't say a word. And then he shushed me again today. I get shushed a lot. Except this time it was while I was trying to talk to him and I didn't realize it but it was while a couple of our girls were singing the national anthem at the start of the swim meet. I deserved to be shushed (for a change!)

Live, laugh, love and keep the balance. Oh, and while you are laughing, make sure you laugh at yourself once in a while too!

I feel sandwiched. I hope the insides don't get squeezed out.

Live, Love, Laugh

I miss Finn. I miss Carolyn. The both left yesterday. Instead of living, laughing and loving, I am hurting and crying. But still loving.They brought joy, laughter and shenanigans into the house. And a smile to Matt's face, which we don't see too much. What is breaking my heart the most is that Matt says he can't remember the last time he was happy. I mean baseline happy. Not having fun, or being happy being with someone, but truly embracing life. Embracing life is key. Dogs seem really good at this. We could learn a thing or two from them.

It is difficult to see people you love going through difficult stretches, whether emotionally or physically. It is important to live, love, and laugh. Heck, it sure beats the alternative: being dead, hating, and crying. But I venture to say more of us end up rutted in some version of the latter rather than the former.

I guess that's why the Stressed Out Diva persona appeals to me. It is fun. It is real. It is silly. It is spontaneous. And we all need more of those things in our lives. Fun and silliness. I hope it hasn't been too long since you had real fun, belly laughing fun with your kids, spouse and or friends. The kind Connie and I had in mid-December. And the truth, well, why pretend? It only makes others feel lousy because they can't figure out why they can't handle spinning all those plates...and spontaneity! The best! But of course you need pretty wide margins in your life if you are going to be spontaneous. To have time to respond to both the delights and the demands. To be available to those who may need to lean on your shoulder for support...who need a hug, need some attention, or a little bit of love.

My commitment is to become as un-busy as I need to be so I can respond to those I love and be available to them. And that looks different to different people.

• Last night I just sat with Matt. Just sat with him. Didn't talk of offer suggestions unless he asked.
• This morning I went into Nicole's school and filled out the too many addresses for unnecessary magazine subscription solicitations so the school could get TIME for Kids.
• I helped coach Tianna's lane at swimming.

But here's the thing. All of these things take time and putting the other person first. I sat with Matt instead of getting to bed before midnight. I spent the time this morning at the school filling the addresses out. I forwent my own exercise to help Tianna. It's all a trade off, but you really can't lose (even though the culture in many ways has conditioned us not to believe that) when you put relationships first. (Oh, and to me, that is a huge part of being a Christian...putting the other person first)

But here's something funny, well, OK maybe not so funny, especially if my washing machine protests... I scooped up a bunch of towels from downstairs by the hot tub along with an empty wine glass. And put the towels in the wash. But it sounded awful. Well, I forgot to remove the wine glass and ended up using my washing machine as a rock tumbler. Out came the wet towels, out came the shards of glass. What next? (I know, I shouldn't ask).

But it is a new day. May it be filled with grace.